Prologue: Are relationships the work of the Devil?

Once upon a time many thousands of years ago, the Devil Himself was sitting in his boiling hot corporate headquarters in Hell, looking at his mission statement, which was hanging on the wall in big flaming red letters at the other end of his office. It read:

“To make as many people as possible
as unhappy as possible
for as long as possible.”

The Devil was actually a bit depressed because he felt that it really wasn’t going so well for the Devil & Co.’s mission at the moment. Despite his persistent efforts, people all around the world were in general very happy and satisfied. People were just loafing around loving themselves and each other and feeling really quite good about everything.

So the Devil knew that he had to do something drastic if he was going to avoid being transferred, degraded – or worse – fired. He would have to come up with something that would really kick ass and make people feel dreadfully unhappy and desperate.

And that was when he suddenly got the most brilliant idea! An idea that would – without a shadow of a doubt – really make his mission and vision of making as many people as possible as unhappy as possible for as long as possible – a reality: RELATIONSHIPS!

Yes! Of course, that was it! The Devil could already see it. Relationships – the direct route to Hell! One big lie – or a series of lies – that were so big and convincing that they would start making people desperately unhappy right from childhood…

The Devil started frantically writing his plan down:

The Devil’s no. 1 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is outside of myself.
Like whoa! This is brilliant, just brilliant thought the Devil as he hopped up and down enthusiastically on his flaming red throne. If I can just get enough people to believe that the love they seek is outside themselves… it will be truly awesome. So awesome that the Devil & Co. will probably end up being listed on the New York Stock Exchange!

Brilliant. Now that the basic concept was in place, it was time to add a little more pain… he, he, he.

The Devil’s no. 2 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is dependent on another person.
Like whoa again! This is good, really, really good thought the Devil, surprised by his own brilliance. I’m really something… yes I really am! Amazing… And here’s another one…!

The Devil’s no. 3 lie about relationships:
I can only experience the love that I seek with one special person.
Even more brilliant! Sometimes I just surprise myself. He could just see the Devil & Co.’s worldwide advertising campaign supported by Internet banners in every language proclaiming things like “The One and Only”, “Soul Mates”,  “The Love of Your Life”, … brilliant, brilliant. This is just brilliant. The Devil could already feel the confusion, the overwhelming longing, the terrible misery and loneliness all the way down to his fifteen big toes. Millions and millions of people around the world who actually believe that they could only experience the love they seek with one special person – without ever quite knowing who this one special person is.  And if one was actually lucky enough to find this person; there was no guarantee that this person would love you back. And no guarantee that he or she wasn’t already in another relationship. Yes brilliant! Just brilliant.

If the Devil could get people to believe this, it would be the end of all that nauseating, touchy-feely lovey-dovey stuff that was flourishing on earth at the moment. It would be the end of all those happy people who just went around loving everything and everyone…

And last but not least…

The Devil’s no. 4 lie about relationships:
It’s only true love if the relationship lasts forever.
Yes! That’s good – that’s got to hurt! With this lie, the Devil could be sure that people would stay unhappy no matter what. If they weren’t in a relationship, they’d be unhappy because they’d believe that the love that they seek was outside of themselves and dependent on another person. And if they were in a relationship where the partners drifted apart, well this devilish lie – (that it’s only true love if the relationship lasts forever) – would keep them in the relationship no matter what they really felt. And the few who actually would be brave enough to separate would always look back at the relationship and feel it was one big failure.

Hmmmm….The Devil was aware that this last lie was pretty far out and that it would be pretty difficult to get people to believe it. So he figured he’d add a little extra lie to back this one up. He decided he’d spread the word that it was God Himself – the Top Dog – who proclaimed this lie to be the God’s honest Truth. The Devil would make sure that all religions in the world taught that a relationship was only genuine and real if the two partners took a solemn oath that they would love each other and stay together forever – no matter what!

Ha ha ha – am I brilliant or what? The Devil just couldn’t stop slapping his thighs with pure devilish joy.

Okay – so far so good. Now it was time for action – and not just a little action. No, no, no. The Devil knew that if he was going to sell such a colossal pack of lies to humanity, he’d really have to roll out the heaviest possible brain washing campaign. So he called in all his sales and marketing and branding departments and worked day and night developing a campaign that would make even the most incredible lies called racism, nationalism, sexism, age-ism and materialism fade in comparison. The Devil’s campaign would be a mega-giga-super-duper advertising campaign about “The One and Only” made up of a million trillion pop songs and music videos and TV series and movies and women’s magazines and books and novels, backed by the fashion and cosmetic industries – all broadcasting non-stop day and night the Devil’s lies about relationships….

Now I wonder how the Devil’s brilliant plan turned out…?

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Women’s magazines are the world’s biggest promoters of relationship myths

Reading articles about relationships in women’s magazines is always entertaining – or tragic depending on how you look at it. Why? Because many of these articles are based on our common myths about relationships that usually have very little if anything to do with reality. Try reading the priceless article below about relationships with a big age difference from the Danish women’s magazine “Woman”.  Every time there is something in the text in italics and parentheses, it’s me pointing out that whatever has just been said is based on a myth when it comes to relationships which we can and should question.

Here’s the article:

Grave robber or cradle robber?
Woman gives good advice on relationships with a big age difference
by Signe Lønholdt

Live in the present, but think about the future
Many couples with a big age difference live in the present and don’t consider how things will be in the future (Is this true? I have yet to meet a person who lives in the now and doesn’t think about how things are going to be in the future!) Perhaps it’s frightening to think 10 years ahead. One of the partners in the relationship will be old while the other will still be relatively young. On the other hand, the age difference means less as you become older. A 20-year-old woman and a 35-year-old man will probably have less in common than a 50-year-old woman and a 65-year-old man. (Is this true?)

Because one’s personality really changes a lot when you’re in your 20s and 30s (Is this true? The psychological studies I have read show that the thoughts and basic beliefs that make up a person’s personality are formed in one’s childhood and don’t change very much after that) you could wake up one morning and find that you’ve outgrown the person you loved so much. That is why it’s especially important for people with a big age difference to talk to each other about the changes they are experiencing all the time (Why is it more important than for a couple where the age difference isn’t so big? Is it true that people in one age group are different from people in another age group?)

People in their 30s, 40s and 50s are much more active and in much better shape than the same age groups just 10 years ago so a few years plus or minus don’t really matter psychologically (Is it true?) In today’s Denmark, it may not mean so much that there is a big age difference (Is it true? Then why is she writing an article about relationships with a big age difference?) – getting a relationship to work may be more important. The most important thing is that the two people have something in common because if you want to go to town and party and he wants to play golf you will probably drift apart as time passes (Is this true? Can’t you have a good relationship even if you have different interests? Can you only have a good relationship if you do everything or almost everything together? And is there anything wrong with drifting apart as time passes? Is a relationship only a success and valuable if it lasts a long time or until death parts the partners? Is a long, unhappy relationship better than a short, happy one?) Of course it is important for each party to have their own interests (Is it true?) and it’s important that you both have your own friends your own age or with the same interests (Is it true? Why is it important to have friends your own age? Isn’t it just as good to have a friend who’s not the same age as you? What does age have to do with friendship – or with anything for that matter? Also is it true that people of different ages are different?) but make sure you have something in common – if nothing else at least your relationship.

Not too long ago the media revealed that the not-so-young Helena Christensen had her claws in 10-years-younger Josh Hartnett (Is that true? Did she contact him or did he contact her? Did she chase him or did he chase her?) and they’re not the only couple in Hollywood with a big age difference. In fact it’s almost become a sport to find a boyfriend/girlfriend who is either a lot older or a lot younger than oneself (Is it true?) and maybe you are one of the people who’s following the trend (Is it true? And if you are in a relationship where there’s a big age difference, is it because you are following a trend?) Here are a few tips for women who like Sugar Daddies or Boy Toys.

If there is more than five years age difference between you and your partner you can place yourself in the category “Partners with a big age difference”.

Maybe you think that men your own age are too immature and are still running around making jokes, so you’d rather have a more experienced and serious man. Or maybe you find men your own age way too serious and too focused on their careers – they forget to play and be impulsive so you would rather have a man who is much younger and freer. (Older men are more down to earth and serious about their careers while younger men are more free and impulsive – is that true?)

But be sure what your motives are before you start the relationship (How do you do that? How can you become more conscious of what your motives are – and if this is so important, why doesn’t she say anything about this in this article?) – is it because you want to be a mother for him or is it because he is the father figure you always missed. Is he a young trophy or a stable economic support? If you choose him for the wrong reasons (Is it “wrong” to choose a partner because you’re attracted to his/her physical appearance or his/her money? What then are the “right” reasons?) the relationship will be difficult because things can suddenly change – and he won’t need a mother anymore or the money can disappear.

The rest of the family
The reaction of your friends and family may not be so positive the first time you tell them that your new partner is 10 years younger or older than you are. If he is older, they might not understand what you see in him – and if he is younger, they will be betting that he will leave you when you get older. But it’s because they want the best for you, so listen to what they say (Why? Is it true that what you friends and family say is true? Have your friends and family learned to see the difference between reality and their thoughts? Do they know what’s best for you?)) and maybe they will say something wise that you can use. And if they don’t, well just let their words go in one ear and out the other and be happy that you’ve found the man in your life.

In any case, it’s important to have friends so even if they don’t take the news so nicely at first, try to get them to understand (I can get my friends to understand how I feel – is that true?) that you and your new partner really are good for each other despite the big age difference. It can in fact be difficult for you and your new love to find friends who are in the same boat as you and it’s always nice to have someone you can talk to about life and love, so why not keep your old friends?

___

Marvelous right??? High level comedy…. right!

And the statements above that I questioned are only a few examples of the many things in this article about love, happiness, men, women and age that we could question.

So if this is where women get their information about relationships, it’s no wonder that many feel confused and frustrated when it comes to relationships (whether they’re single, lovers, married, divorced or whatever). And if their partners also buy into these myths, is it any wonder that so many experience so much confusion when it comes to love??

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When you see a woman in her 30s – run!

Why? Because women in their 30s are the worst! Why do I say that? Because when a woman is in her 30s, she believes (utterly and completely) that the good life, the perfect life, the sweet life is just around the corner if she just works hard enough and is good enough. And she believes utterly and completely that if she just works hard enough she will soon have this perfect life (the one the glossy women’s magazines are shoving down our throats and telling us is the royal road to eternal happiness) with the perfect man, the perfect relationship, the perfect kids, the perfect family, a great sex life, a beautiful, sexy body, a great career, a good job, a beautiful home with perfect designer furniture, quality weekends, picture-perfect holidays, and a superb lifestyle with more and more and more quality.

It’s simply so exhausting to be around a woman in her 30s that it makes me want to puke (and believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in their 30s). So now every time I meet a woman in her 30s, I look for the nearest exit. Because I know having a relationship with a woman in her 30s means big-time stress!

Now I stick to women in their 20s or 40s or older. Because even if women in their 20s still believe the dream that if you just work hard enough, one day you will achieve all these things and be happy – at least most women in their 20s also have the attitude “But not just yet. I still want a few years of fun before I sign up for the female version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.” (Even though I have in truth also met women who already in their late 20s were infected with this deadly form of insanity).

And then there are women over 40 – thank God! They are usually even more fun than women in their 20s because women over 40 as a rule, no longer have such illusions. Women in their 40s or older have worked themselves to the bone day and night to live up to the dream that says if they just manage to achieve this or that they’ll be happy – and now they’re over 40 and guess what – it didn’t happen. The bubble burst! Either they didn’t achieve the things they thought would make them happy – a man, children, family, job, career, beautiful home, designer furniture, friends, picture-perfect holidays and so forth (and are now simply worn out, unhappy and stressed from working so hard for so many years) or they achieved all the things they believed were necessary to be happy – and have to admit that they’re still not happy. And they’re also starting to realize that the game’s over, the race is run and that despite their dedicated efforts they are not getting any younger or more beautiful or healthier or stronger. The reality is their kids just keep on growing and their husbands and boyfriends aren’t getting any smarter, and getting the latest, hottest new stuff just doesn’t seem to make anything better anymore. All those years, all that hard work! And now it’s almost game over. So they begin to realize that if they don’t start living life now and having some fun now, they’re never going to live life and have fun. So they begin to drop their cherished female version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome and start focusing a little more on relaxing, breathing, and enjoying life. Which of course is why it’s so much fun to be with women who are over 40! Unless of course they are still stubbornly stuck in the glossy magazine dreams (and I have to admit I have met a few pitiful examples of women who were still fighting the losing battle to keep the old dream alive), but whenever I met one of these I think, why worry – sooner or later they’ll collapse and give up.

So that’s why I say, when you see a woman in her 30s – run! And if you are a woman in your 30s and you want to survive your 30s and keep your sanity – it might be a good idea to stop trying to live up to society’s idea of what a woman in her 30s should be!

When you see a woman in her 30s – run! Part 2

After reading the first part of this chapter, some of you might now be thinking – is this just one man venting his spleen at his ex-girlfriends and other women in their 30s? But hand on my heart, it’s not. What I am actually trying to do is cast some light on something much deeper and more fundamental.

Here’s what I’m trying to look at:

* We live in a society where we are all (both women and men) constantly bombarded and brainwashed (from the moment we are born and for the rest of our lives) to accept the most insane beliefs about what it takes to feel OK, live a happy life and be loved.

* The really stressful consequences of these insane beliefs often seem to reach a climax in women in their 30s.

Why is this so? Why does this happen? Why is it that the unfortunate consequences of our sky-high collective expectations often manifest in women in their 30s?

I believe there are a wide range of factors that contribute to the strange behavior of women in their 30s. Here are a few of them:

Our collective myths about relationships first really become serious business when we’re in our 30s
As I wrote in the introduction to this book, we have been programmed to believe in the 101 myths about relationships from childhood. But when I look back at my own life and at the lives of my contemporaries, I can see that these myths often first begin to drive us really crazy when we’re in our 30s. And this is not because we didn’t believe in these myths when we were younger, but rather because the unpleasant consequences of these beliefs don’t really begin to manifest until we’re in our 30s.

How can that be?

One of the reasons is that we live in a society where it’s socially acceptable NOT to live up to our sky-high expectations to relationships, marriage and family when you’re in your 20s. When you’re in your 20s, it’s socially acceptable to enjoy life and live in the present and not think so much about the future. It’s ok not to think about relationships even though there are undoubtedly people in their 20s who are already worrying themselves sick when it comes to what the future will bring in terms of love, relationships and even their pension plan!

But when you get to your 30s, things change and the whole relationship thing suddenly becomes serious business. Now the clock is ticking. When you enter the 30s, there’s no more time for wasting time and having fun. Now it’s time to think about the future! And with this thought, the 101 myths about relationships really kick in – and begin to drive both men and women more or less crazy.

There is though one very important difference – a difference that makes it all much more stressful for women than men – and that of course is men can have children all their life!

The biological aspect: It’s just so unfair that men can have children long after they pass 40!
As many women in their 30s have indignantly said to me when we discuss relationships and relationship myths: “It’s just so unfair that men can still have children when they are in their 40s, 50s and 60s. But we women have got to have children by the time we’re 40. So when we’re in our 30s, our biological clock really begins ticking! And if we really want children – which most of us do – well then it’s now or never. So we can’t go on wasting our time on men or in relationships which won’t end with children. We’ve got to be sure, we have to have guarantees! We have to think about the future!”

And this obviously puts more pressure on women in their 30s when it comes to relationships. Pressure which men in their 30s don’t feel to the same degree – they just feel it from their partners!

The historical aspect: Do women identify more with relationship myths than men?
Another thing which probably contributes to the fact that our collective relationships myths often seem to hit women harder can be that from historical point of view, women traditionally have had much more of their identity bound up in relationships than men have had.

Until quite recently, women have had very few areas in which they could manifest and express themselves compared to men. Men had, and still have, the freedom to make their mark via their jobs and careers and they can participate freely in politics, the world of art, or choose a religious pathway, etcetera. Yes men have always had many options as well as the financial freedom and independence to express themselves in various ways in the world besides having a relationship, a family and children. But until recently this has not been the case for women. Women have been denied access to most of these areas and could not work, make money, vote, be politicians, etcetera. Historically, the only area where women could use their influence (and manifest their power) was in the area of family, relationships, children. (Think about Jane Austen’s scathing depictions of women’s lives and circumstances in Merry Old England not so very long ago.)

And with so little freedom, is it any wonder that family and relationships became so very important to women – to their lives and their identities?

So what does that mean today? Could it be that even today, despite the fact that women in the Western world (at least in principle) now have the freedom to participate in most areas of life on an equal footing with men… could it be that women still unconsciously are trapped by so many generations of limitation and traditional conditioning when it comes to a woman’s role in society? With the result that women today still have such an intense focus on relationships and family?

The Superwoman syndrome
So if we combine all these factors:

1. the fact that our collective myths about relationships first really kick in when we are in our 30s

2. the fact that women’s biological clocks are ticking loudly when they are in their 30s because they can not bear children after their 40s

3. the fact that historically women had very few options besides family when it came to participating in society

…with the sky-high expectations woman in our society today are being bombarded with from all sides.

Expectations which say a woman in her 30s should be the perfect wife, the perfect new mother, a great homemaker, a hot, sexy lover while at the same time having the perfect designer home, a great career and be a good friend to her girl friends (not to mention baking homemade cookies for her children’s kindergarten)… In short, falling victim to what I call the female version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.

So when you take all this into consideration, is it any wonder that so many women in their 30s have become ticking stress bombs? Is it any wonder that these poor women often act as if they’re crazy and then finally begin to crack?

Because tell me is there anyone (even superwoman) who can possibly live up to such constant, massive pressure and such sky-high expectations? Do you know anyone? And if you do, if some poor woman actually succeeds in becoming this perfect woman for a while, how long will it last? How long until she burns out? How long will she be able to live up to such massive pressure? Because how long could anyone stand it? So yes, sooner or later crisis comes – be it physical or mental or both. Something just has to give. And that’s when our society says…. “Oh poor woman, she’s suffering from stress!” Yeah right!

After the crisis comes disillusionment
For many years now I have been giving lectures and workshops and doing private sessions with a focus on how we can live better and more happy lives by bringing our thinking into harmony with reality. In the beginning I used to wonder why most of the people attending were women ages 35-45. I wondered where are people in their 20s or people in their 60s or older? And why are there so few men?

But now I am starting to understand because I’ve discovered that there’s a connection between the massive pressure, which society places on women in their 30s and the fact that many women become interested in self-help and personal development when they reach their late 30s. Actually 37 seems to be the year when many women experience some form of crisis. Suddenly they can’t go on, they burn out.

Are women to blame for all that porn? - Part 2
or
Why are men such wimps?

If you read the first part of this chapter, it’s probably starting to dawn on you that in reality this piece really has nothing to do with pornography. The title could just as well be “Are women to blame for all that football?” or “Are women to blame for all that TV?” Or whatever men do to have a few minutes of peace and quiet once in a while. This chapter is really an attempt to shed some light on some much deeper problems.

First of all, we live in a society (and world) where both men and women are constantly being bombarded from all sides with the 1001 things and activities we are told we should have and do to live a good, happy life.

In this particular instance, I’ve chosen to look at the relationship model where it’s the woman who is the standard bearer for this life of sky-high expectations. But as we will see, the man is in his own way just as confused as the woman. If the man really wants to have some peace and quiet – and doesn’t want to drive himself crazy all the time trying to achieve the dream life at the end of the women’s magazines’ rainbow – why doesn’t he just stop and say no and set some limits in relation to the woman in his life? Is he really just a total wimp or what?

Of course the simplest answer is yes – the man really is a total wimp, but if you look a bit closer there are actually quite a few reasons why the man in this type of relationship has ended up in this situation:

1) The first possible reason is that the man himself has equally bought into the 1001 things and activities we believe we must have and do to be an OK and happy person. He’s jumped on the same bandwagon as the woman and that makes it difficult for him to say no, even if a part of him really wants to have some peace and quiet once in a while.

But if the man in this case hasn’t completely bought into the myths and deep inside doesn’t want to be a part of the rat race and just wants to have some peace and quiet once in a while, why doesn’t he just say so? Why doesn’t he dare say no? Why is he such a wimp?

2) To understand why he doesn’t dare be honest and set some limits, we have to look a little more closely at the way he thinks. If you look back at the first part of this chapter, you’ll see that the man in this type of relationship doesn’t dare say no to the woman in his life because he believes in one of the oldest and greatest myths when it comes to relationships:

If you love me, you’ll do what I want.

He believes that if a man loves his woman (which he does) and is a good, decent human being (which he is trying really, really hard to be), then he’ll almost always do what his partner wants him to do.

And it’s the belief in this – one of the most powerful myths when it comes to relationships and love – that makes it almost impossible for the man to say no.

So what do you do, if you think like this (whether you’re a man or a woman) and have landed in a situation like this?

The first thing you can do is question the above myth. Investigate this age-old belief – a belief that is as old as relationships themselves – and see if it really has anything to do with reality.

Is it really true that if you love someone, you will almost always do what the other person wants?

Is it really true that if you are a good, decent human being, you will almost always do what your partner wants you to do?

If you investigate this, you will probably discover that none of these ideas are true or have anything to do with reality when it comes to relationships or human relations in general. Because what’s the reality? Do you love your partner? Yes probably. And does she love you? Yes probably. Do you always want the same things? Well probably not. Do you always agree about everything? No, probably not here either. But does this mean that you don’t love and care about each other? Of course not. The two things – your love for each other – and your wishes and preferences in each changing moment – have nothing to do with each other. And the fact that you don’t always want the same things or have the same preferences has absolutely nothing to do with being a good, decent human being either.

Once you’ve separated these two things – the partners’ love for each other and their differing desires and preferences – it makes it much easier to say no thank you when your partner asks for something that doesn’t feel right for you.

But perhaps you’re thinking… “What if my partner still believes that if you love each other, you’ll do what your partner wants? What if she pressures me to do what she wants? How can I say no?”

Two good ways to say no
If your partner is pressuring you to do what she (or he) wants and you find it difficult to say no, it can be a big help to learn two of my favourite techniques for saying no. The techniques are called “fogging” and “negative inquiry” (from Manuel J. Smith’s classic book on assertion called “When I say no, I feel guilty – How to cope using the skills of systematic assertive therapy”).

But a little background first: To use these two techniques effectively, it’s important to understand how you partner is trying to get you to do what she wants.  In her head, your partner has various beliefs about the “right” and “wrong” ways of doing things in a relationship and about what one “should” and “shouldn’t” do in a relationship. And she believes that if a person breaks one of these arbitrary rules for having a good relationship (for example the “rule” which says that if you love me you’ll do what I want) then it means that you are an inconsiderate, unloving person. And what happens if you also believe these ideas about what makes a good relationship and then you go and break them by saying no to your partner? Yes, well then both you and your partner believe that you are an inconsiderate, unloving person. And how does that make you feel? Guilty of course! Which is not a very nice feeling. In fact, feeling guilty is so unpleasant that we human beings will do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling this way – including saying yes when we really feel like saying no.

So… if your partner is non-assertive… And by that I mean she’s someone who isn’t good at asking directly for what she wants probably because she also isn’t good at taking “no” for an answer (because she has anxious thoughts about what a “no” might mean), then she will often try to manipulate you into saying yes by making you feel guilty if you say “no”. And the way she will manipulate you into feeling guilty is by making you believe that by saying “no” you have broken one of the holy rules about relationships, which makes you an inconsiderate, unloving bastard.

Just think about it. Have you ever not wanted to do what the woman (or man) in your life asked you to do – and yet you ended up doing it anyway? Why did you do it? Wasn’t it because she made you feel guilty, made you feel that you were a bad person because you violated the rules for good behaviour in a relationship? What a hopeless situation to be in! If you do what feels right for you, you feel guilty. And if you don’t do what feels right for you and say yes against your will, it feels uncomfortable – as if you’ve somehow betrayed your own integrity.

But if you look more closely at it, you will discover that you can only feel guilty if you yourself believe in the unwritten rules for good behaviour in a relationship. If you yourself believe that if you break these rules it means you aren’t a good, decent human being. So it turns out that you’re the one who’s manipulating you!

Okay, so far so good. But what do you do in reality when the woman or man in your life asks you to do something and the honest answer inside you is no? What do you do if your partner still believes the unwritten rules for good behaviour in a relationship? What do you do when she tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do by criticizing you and trying to make you feel guilty?

This is where the two techniques “fogging” and “negative inquiry” can be such a great help.

Fogging
Fogging is very simple and can be quite amusing to use once you’ve learned how to do it. Let’s say the woman in your life has asked you something and you’ve answered no. If she is non-assertive, her next move will probably be to criticize you in the hope that it will make you feel guilty so you’ll do what she wants you to do. So here’s what you do. Instead of defending yourself when you are criticized or entering into a long-winded discussion about the matter, you simply “fog” her. In short this means you answer her by saying that she might be right in her criticism and that your answer is still no. Let me give you an example from my own (writing) life:

Woman: Why don’t we go for a nice picnic in the woods this weekend?
Man: That sounds like a great idea, sweetheart, and I can’t. I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: But you’re always working on your book on weekends (here she’s indirectly implying that there’s something “wrong” with always working on a book on weekends).
Man: You could be right (fogging). And I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: You always get totally lost when you work on your book (here she’s indirectly implying that there’s something “wrong” in getting totally lost in your work).
Man: You could be right (fogging).
Woman: It’s been so long since we’ve done something together on a weekend (here she’s indirectly implying that it’s “wrong” not to have done anything together on a weekend for a long time).
Man: You could be right (fogging).
Woman: You’re only thinking about yourself! (Here she’s indirectly implying that it’s “wrong” to think about yourself).
Man: You could be right (fogging). And this weekend I’m going to work on my book.
Woman: But what about us?
Man: What do you mean?
Woman: When are we going to spend some time together?
Man: Well let me think about it. Maybe we could go for a picnic next week, one day after work?
Woman: Yes that would be nice.
Man: You could be right!

As you can see in this example of “fogging”, the man doesn’t defend himself when the woman criticizes him indirectly. He just acknowledges that he heard her and that he is open to the possibility that what she is saying might be true. When, for example, she says “it’s been so long since we’ve done something together on a weekend”, he answers that she might be right. Maybe she’s right and maybe she isn’t. It all depends how you look at it. For who decides when it’s been a long time? And what is a long time? A month? Three months? Three years? It all depends on how you look at it!

Another good thing about “fogging” is that you are also sending a strong message to your non-assertive partner that you don’t mind criticism and that you don’t think criticism is dangerous or something to be afraid of. You’re also saying that you’re quite OK with the fact that you’re not perfect (whatever that means!). When you’ve sent this message a few times, your non-assertive partner will gradually start to understand that she won’t get very far with this type of manipulation.

Negative inquiry
The next technique called negative inquiry is even more effective when it comes to dealing with a non-assertive, manipulative woman (or man) in a skilful manner. As we just saw, the reason why a woman (or man) tries to pressure her/his partner into doing what they want is that she herself is non-assertive. In other words, she has difficulty asking for what she wants and taking “no” for an answer. And why can’t she take no for an answer? Simply because she unconsciously believes a whole slew of untrue beliefs about relationships and love and about what a “no” means. So what you are doing with negative inquiry is trying – in a very gentle way – to gradually make the other person aware of the untrue beliefs that lie behind her or his non-assertive behaviour. Because when first these beliefs are out in the open, you can question them or decide what to do about them. Let’s try the same situation again, only this time let’s deal with it using negative inquiry.

Woman: Why don’t we go for a nice picnic in the woods this weekend?
Man: That sounds like a great idea, sweetheart, and I can’t. I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: But you’re always working on your book on weekends.
Man: I don’t understand – is there something wrong with me almost always working on my book during the weekends? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: You always get totally lost when you work on your book.
Man: I don’t understand – is there anything wrong with me getting totally lost in my work when I’m working on my book? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: When you get so lost in your work, you forget about me.
Man: I don’t understand – is there anything wrong with me forgetting you when I’m working on my book? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: When you forget me like this, then I think you’re not interested in me anymore and that maybe you don’t love me anymore. (Here comes the truth – what she is really afraid of.)
Man: That’s not true darling. I do love you and I’m very interested in you. And this weekend I am planning on working on my book.
Woman: Do you really love me?
Man: Yes darling, of course I do.

As you can see from this example, the woman’s non-assertive behaviour stemmed from the fact that she was afraid (that she had the unconscious belief) that when the man said no to her request it meant he no longer loved her or wasn’t interested in her. By using negative inquiry and questioning her statements, he finally found out what was bothering her (her basic belief) and was then able to tell her that it wasn’t true. When he was lost in his work and forgot about his surroundings (including her) it didn’t mean in any way that he wasn’t interested in her or that he didn’t love her.

Investigate other reasons why it’s difficult to say no
In addition to the basic relationship myth “if you love me you’ll do what I want”, there can also be other basic beliefs that make it difficult for you to say no to your partner (or to other people in your life). A good technique for identifying and investigating these beliefs is to take a piece of paper and write at the top:
The reason I have difficulty saying no to my partner is…
And then write down all your reasons.
Here are some examples of what you might write:
If I say no, he/she will be angry.
If I say no, he/she will be hurt.
If I say no, he/she won’t like me.
If I say no, he/she will leave me.
If I say no, it means I’m selfish.
I shouldn’t always be thinking about myself.
I should have a good reason for saying no.
I should always be able to explain myself to my partner’s satisfaction.
I should always say yes when he/she asks for something.
I shouldn’t change my mind.
I should help him/her solve his/her problems.
etc. etc.

When you have written down the reasons why you have difficulty saying no, then investigate your reasons with the simple “mythbusting” technique I describe in the second section of this book. This will give you more insight into why you sometimes have difficulty saying no. And gradually with practice, it will be become easier for you to say no when you partner asks for something that doesn’t feel right to you. And it will also make it easier for you to use the “fogging” and “negative inquiry” techniques I described.

Relationship myth
If you love me, you’ll do what I want.

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Notes from the diary of a sex addict

There she is. Standing there in her red high heels. So sexy. And I’m in a daze. Something’s moving down below. What a strange phenomenon. From the red high heels to the optical nerve to movement down below… Wonder why? Hmmm. Now there’s a subject for many a scientific paper. But who wants to waste time speculating over the deeper meaning of this or that when those red high heels are on their way towards me (smile)? And now they stop right in front of me. Inviting as hell. And hey, wow, now sound is actually coming from those red high heels. Or rather from the shapely figure that’s growing out of those red high heels. Miss Red High Heels is also wearing Red Lipstick and wow things are really moving (down there). What is she saying? How come I don’t understand a word of it… other than the red lips are moving and the white teeth, tongue, mouth start a chain reaction in me that makes it totally impossible to think clearly. What is she saying? Oh fuck, who cares? Enough that those red high heels and red lips are moving closer. Now I can even smell her… Fantastic how all this red seems to smell of roses and something else indescribably sweet. Weaving a magic spell around me, catching me in her net, like a poor little fly caught by a big spider. Oh yes, I am the fly and you can devour me skin and bones and everything…

                                                                 __________

And then bang! It strikes me that what I’m experiencing is a first class example of what those dear psychologists call “attachment hunger”… And there I go… misinterpreting the strong attraction I feel for Miss Red High Heels with the thought that a relationship with her could in any way be wise or healthy or good for either one of us…

Oh yeah, I’ve fallen into the trap once again… all the way…boom!

But hey bro, can I still pull out before the ship really goes aground for good?

Yes, yes, there’s still time. And even if she’s standing there swaying and luring me on with those damn red lips and those damn red heels and all the other wonderful, shapely aspects of her that are so delicious to look at – something shifts inside me. Something healthy and wise gets the upper hand and knows that all this is just leading in one direction – straight to hell. So I smile all nice and friendly like and excuse myself. I turn away resolutely and leave. Find a few innocent-looking people who are not wearing red high heels or red lipstick that I can talk to about everything and nothing. And as I stand there, I feel my inner turbulence starting to subside and I begin to feel clear and easy again, right in the heart of me. Because I chose love for myself instead of a few seconds, a few minutes of pleasure followed by days, weeks, months and maybe even years of regret and torment!

Whew, that was a close call!

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3 ways to cultivate love in your life (and in your relationship)

Everyone’s always talking about love! We’re all seeking love and we all use enormous amounts of time and energy trying to “get” and experience love. Love, love – and more love.

But what is love? What is this thing called love which we all are seeking day and night – and which we seek most of all in our relationships? And how can we experience the love that we seek?

As I’ve been saying in this book, in reality love is not something that is outside of us. Love is something that’s inside of us because love is what we are – love is our nature – the nature of everything. And as I also write, the only thing that is preventing us from experiencing our true love nature are the many thoughts and beliefs we have that have absolutely nothing to do with reality – thoughts which contradict the nature of love. And on the previous pages of this book, I have tried to describe how you can identify and investigate these limiting thoughts and beliefs.

So what happens when you question your limiting thoughts and stories? What happens when you question all your “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”? Especially when it comes to your relationship and your partner? Well when you do this, you actually experience much more love. You experience the love which has been there all the time, the love which is your true nature – but which has been covered and veiled by your own confused thinking.

What you focus your attention on grows
In addition to questioning all the thoughts that are preventing you from experiencing the love that you seek, there is another approach you can use to experience more love in your life and in your relationship. This approach or technique – which I call cultivating love – is based on understanding another fundamental observation of the nature of mind which I describe in the Introduction.

There is a cause and effect relationship between your thinking and your experience. Thought is cause, experience is effect.

Another way of formulating this observation is to say that what you focus your attention on grows. In practice this means that if you want to experience something in life, then it’s a good idea to focus your attention on it. Because what you focus your attention on grows.

If you want to be more fully present in the now and not always so absorbed in the past or the future, then it’s a good idea to focus on what is happening right now, right this moment wherever you are, sitting with this book in your hand, in this chair, with the floor underneath your feet and the air flowing in and out of your lungs… and not on your plans for tomorrow or your worries about the future.

And if you want to experience more wealth in your life, it is a good idea to focus on all the wealth and support you already have in your life right now – on all the food in your refrigerator, all the clothes in your closet, all the good friends you have to talk to, all the sunshine, the beautiful starry sky, the rain and the trees… because what you focus your attention on grows.

The same holds true for love. If you want to experience more love in your life and in your relationship, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on love. To dwell on the idea of love and to let your thoughts, words and actions express love. Because what you focus your attention on grows.

Cultivating love
So how do you focus on love? How do you cultivate more love in your thinking and in your life? And not least – how do you cultivate more love in your relationships?

On the following pages, I describe three good ways to focus on love and experience more love – and I call this cultivating love.

1. cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness
2. cultivating support
3. cultivating understanding

Love is greater than a relationship
When you read about the three ways to cultivate love that I suggest, your first reaction might be – well what does this have to do with being a couple?

And the answer is they have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to do with being a couple! They have nothing to do with couple relationships because love is something far greater and far more all-encompassing than the passing form of a relationship. Because love is our nature, because love is everything, love is reality, love is you and me and everything that lives and breathes – love is every form, every relationship, every grain of sand, every galaxy in all of eternity. Love is God. And the temporary joining together of two human beings that we call a relationship is just one of love’s many infinite forms.

And at the same time, these techniques have everything to do with couple relationships because love includes everything and everyone, and includes every relationship. So the more we focus on and dwell on the nature of love, the more we will experience love in all areas of our lives – including in our couple relationships (and also in your single life if you happen to be single).

True love has no boundaries
As you begin to regularly cultivate love in your life as described on the following pages, you will begin to experience more love in all your relationships, including your relationship to your partner – and not least in your relationship to yourself. Because it’s not possible to cultivate more love in your relationship with your partner without it at the same influencing your relationships with all the other people in your life. Nor is it possible to cultivate more love towards other people without it influencing the love you feel in your relationship with your partner. For true love – real, genuine, authentic love – is unconditional and unlimited. And real genuine love has nothing to do with the 101 myths about love and relationships either. Real love has no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts”. Real love has no expectations, no demands and no limits.

Here are my three ways:

1) Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness

To cultivate a greater experience of love in your life, it is a good idea to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness.

What is acceptance and big-heartedness? Well they are both words which describe a total acceptance of that which is – right here and now. Acceptance and big-heartedness mean no resistance. They mean that there is room enough, space enough for everything – for all of it – whatever it is.

Why is it a good idea to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness if you want to experience more love in your life?

Because in truth, life or reality has room enough for everything. Life or reality contains and allows everything. There is room enough for everything and everyone in life. Regardless of who you are or how you feel, life embraces you. Life does not reject anyone. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, if you’re young or old, fat or thin, rich or poor, sick or healthy, beautiful or ugly, trendy or behind the times, famous or unknown – there is room for you in life because life embraces everyone and everything. It doesn’t matter if you are confused or clear, conscious or unconscious, happy or unhappy – there is room enough for every thought and feeling no matter what it is. Life embraces and accepts everything. Life never suddenly says, “Hey you over there, you’re not allowed to think or feel like you do. You’re not allowed to weigh so much! You’re not allowed to look like you look. You’re not allowed to feel bad. No, no, no! Shame on you!” No, life doesn’t do that – ever. Life has room enough for everyone and everything. There are no limits to how much life can contain. Life contains both the sinner and the saint – the most confused and the most enlightened. Life is unlimited and unconditional acceptance, unlimited and unconditional love.

One of the reasons why we human beings don’t experience the love that we seek is that our “love” is usually not as accepting or unconditional as life’s. We usually say to our partners, our families, our friends and even to ourselves – “I will only love you if…” “I will only love you if you do what I want you to do.” “I will only love you if you agree with me.” “I will only love you if you live up to my expectations and ideas.” “I will only love you if… and so on and so forth.” And this conditional “love” (which isn’t really love at all) closes us down so that we do not experience real love in our lives. When our minds close, so do our hearts.

That is why one of the ways to cultivate love in your life is to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness.

Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness towards your partner
How would you feel if you were just as accepting and big-hearted towards your partner as life is? How would you feel if you could see, really see, that your partner is just the way he or she is right now? That your partner does what he does, says what he says, and he is precisely the way he is whether you think he should be like that or not. How would you feel if you could see, really see, that your partner just understands or doesn’t understand what he or she understands right now – and not one bit more or less? How would you feel if you realized that your partner is interested or not interested in exactly what he or she is interested in? And how would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that your partner “should” be different than he or she is right now? What would happen if you just completely stopped trying to change your partner?

Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness towards yourself
And what about being more accepting and big-hearted towards yourself? How would you feel if you were just as accepting and big-hearted towards yourself as life is? If you could see, really see, that you are exactly the way you are right now. If you could see that yes you think what you think, feel what you feel, and want or not want what you want. If you really could see that this is how you are, right now. How would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that you” should” be different and feel differently than you do right now? If you were just as accepting towards yourself as life is?

Wouldn’t that feel… nice? Loving? Wouldn’t it feel as if your heart was opening more and more… wouldn’t you feel rather big-hearted… both towards yourself and towards your partner?

When you do this and you feel it, you will begin to understand why I say that acceptance and big-heartedness are one of the ways to experience more love in your life. Because life is acceptance and big-heartedness. Because love is acceptance and big-heartedness. And you are too when your thinking and your focus is in harmony with reality – in harmony with the way things really are.

A warning: Love misunderstood
When you start to really notice that life accepts your partner exactly as he or she is at the moment and you begin to accept that your partner is the way he or she is – does this mean that you can’t be assertive and set limits and say no to your partner? Does this mean that you always have to do what your partner asks? Does this mean that you can’t ask your partner for what you want or suggest other ways of doing things?

No, absolutely not! And why should it? If you take a closer look, you will see that such thoughts are an absurd misunderstanding of the nature of love and acceptance. When you think about it… what do these two things – the accepting nature of love and your saying yes or no – have to do with each other? Remember love embraces everything, including your yes and your no! Love includes everything you agree to as well as everything you don’t agree to. Love includes both what you want and what your partner wants. Both the things you agree on and the things you don’t agree on, your opinion and your partner’s. And love/life also has room enough for both of you whether you stay together or go your separate ways!

So please beware! And make sure that as you cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness towards your partner, it doesn’t become what I call “love misunderstood”. Make sure you don’t mistakenly believe that acceptance and big-heartedness means you should become a “doormat” and not set limits or say no or take good care of yourself. Not setting limits has nothing whatsoever to do with love and acceptance! Look at it this way, if you don’t take good care of yourself, if you don’t set limits and say no and do what feels right for you – is that love? Love for whom?

And who knows, maybe a no to your partner is also the best thing that can happen to your partner even if your partner doesn’t see it like this. Your no might be a sign that there’s something better waiting for your partner out there (even if your partner doesn’t believe it). Who knows, perhaps your partner can ask someone else, someone who is more able to give your partner what your partner wants than you are. Or maybe your partner can figure out how to give himself/herself whatever it is he or she wants.

And if your partner is unhappy because you say no thanks to something, yes well then you can also practice accepting the fact that your partner is unhappy!

2) Cultivating support

Another good way to feel and experience more love in your life is to notice how everything in life is supporting you. To notice that the nature of life is to support everything. Always and without exception. Unconditional support.

Try to notice all the things that are supporting you right now, right this moment while you are sitting here, reading this book. The chair you are sitting in or the bed you are lying on are supporting you. The floor and the earth underneath your feet are supporting you. Gravity, the earth that holds you to its breast and makes sure you don’t just float away into space, is supporting you. The air around you and in you is supporting you. The clothes on your body are supporting you and keeping you warm. Your body is supporting you all the time. The air that is streaming in and out of your body, all by itself, whether you notice it or not. Your heart that is beating and pumping blood around in your veins. The skin which is keeping your body together. Yes, everything is supporting you. If you really think about it, you won’t in fact be able to find anything in life which you can say for sure is not supporting you in one way or another. Because the nature of life is that it supports everything and everyone. And this support is love.

And it’s not just the many different things in your life that are supporting you, it’s also the many different people in your life who are supporting you and are contributing to your life in one way or another. Think about it for a moment. The check-out lady in the supermarket who helps you buy food so you can eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. The postman who delivers your letters and packages. The man or woman who cuts your hair. The dentist who takes care of your teeth. The many people who helped build the house or building where you live. Your colleagues at work who support you in doing as good a job as you possibly can so you can also support other people with what you are doing! And what about your mother and father and your family and friends who are all supporting you and wishing you the very best in life (even if they sometimes have completely different ideas about what is best for you!). So think about it and when you do, I am quite certain you won’t be able to find a single person who you can say with absolutely certainty isn’t supporting you or contributing to your life in one way or the other.

So this is a good exercise if you want to experience more love in your life. I highly recommend you regularly use 5-10 minutes and just sit with your eyes closed and notice all the things in life that are supporting you right now – just as I described above. This is a wonderful meditation which can really open your heart and your mind for all the love that is in you and around you all the time!

Your nature is also support
And if you take the time to notice, you will also discover that your nature is also to support everything else in life too. That’s what you are here for. If you are a baker, well then you are supporting the rest of life by baking bread and rolls and cakes for other people. If you work in a bank then you are supporting life by managing people’s money for them. And if you are a parent, well then you are supporting your children by taking care of them and teaching them how to manage in life. And when you pay your taxes, you are supporting your society and your country and all the other people who live in it. And when you spend time with your friends you are supporting them with your presence and your friendship and your support. So yes, your nature is to support everything here in life too. Now isn’t that a wonderful thing to think about! Everything is love and you are love!

Serving your fellow men and women
Another good way to cultivate love in the form of support is to ask yourself regularly, “How can I serve?” “How can I best help my fellow human beings?” “How can I contribute to the Highest Good in this situation?” And then listen to the answers or impulses that arise and follow them. This is love in action. So be love in action.

When you do this exercise, you can ask how you can help in a general way – and you can also ask how you can help (and provide support) in specific situations and to specific individuals.

Giving
Giving is another good way to cultivate love in the form of support in your life. This is because the nature of life is to give. Just think of what life is giving you all the time without ever asking for anything in return. The sun that is warming your body, the air you are breathing, all the gifts of nature, the earth you are walking upon, the rain that is falling, everything that is giving of itself all the time without ever asking for anything in return.

So another good way to cultivate more love in your life is to give without asking for anything in return. This is a good exercise because as you have probably noticed, we often give with the expectation that we are going to get something in return. Of course this is not really giving, but rather a form of barter or exchange. So try instead to give regularly to others without asking for anything in return.

And even better – try once in a while to give something to someone or do something for someone without them discovering that you were the giver! Again because we usually hope that when we give something to someone, they will realize it was us and at least recognize our gift and maybe even tell us how good we are!

Yes, so try giving – it never fails to make you (and other people) happy!

Give what you want to receive
A good way to cultivate more support in your relationship is to focus on giving your partner whatever it is you would like to have your partner give you! If, for example, you want your partner to pay more attention to you, well then pay more attention to your partner! Ask your partner what he wants and then give it to him (also if he just wants to be left alone!). Be the partner you are seeking. Give what you want to receive in your relationship.

You can also cultivate support for yourself in your own life by giving yourself whatever it is you really want your partner to give you! If, for example, you want your partner to pay more attention to you – well then you do it! You give yourself more attention. You don’t really need to wait for your partner to give you what you want because you can just do it yourself. If you are going to wait for your partner to give you something, you might have to wait forever! But you – you can do it right now. You can give yourself the attention you want, right now and every single minute of your life. You can work on understanding and appreciating and enjoying yourself more, right now. This, in fact, is your job. Nobody else can do it for you. And nobody else can take it from you. Which is pretty good news. You can do it for yourself! So why wait for your partner? (And this doesn’t mean you can’t ask your partner for what you want. But after you have asked, there’s nothing more you can do in terms of your partner. What your partner gives or doesn’t give you is your partner’s business and is out of your control.)

So regardless of what happens, the best you can do is be the partner you are dreaming of – both towards your partner and towards yourself. Give what you want to receive.

3) Cultivating understanding

A third way to cultivate love in your life is to cultivate understanding.

Why understanding?

Because we human beings often close our minds and our hearts to the things and people we don’t understand. We often have a hard time embracing or accepting what we don’t understand. In the old days when I didn’t understand the reason for my suffering – my own innocent, confused thinking – I often just closed down. I condemned and rejected myself and I condemned and rejected others. And this wasn’t love or acceptance.

And now, as my understanding grows, I can see that the more I understand my own confused thinking and the suffering it causes, the more I am able to understand, accept and feel compassion for myself – and for others. And this is love.

Understanding leads to love
…because when we understand how things hang together, our minds and hearts open and the love flows freely. When we understand that we are all basically alike. When we understand that we all are seeking the same thing – a happy life without suffering. When we understand that we all suffer for the same reason, i.e. when our thinking is out of harmony with reality. When we understand that none of us wishes to hurt ourselves or other people but that because of our innocence and ignorance, we do hurt ourselves and each other – over and over again.

The “anatomy of a human being”
I call this understanding – understanding “the anatomy of the human being”. And it’s a powerful way of cultivating love in your life. Why? Because this understanding brings greater acceptance, compassion and love – towards oneself and other people. When you really see that you are just an innocent, confused child who is always trying the best you can – how can you reject or condemn yourself? And when you see that everyone else is also just an innocent, confused child who is also trying to do the best he or she can – how can you reject or condemn anyone?

Open mind, open heart
People often say it’s important to have an open heart. But as long as your mind and your thinking are closed, as long as you don’t understand yourself or others, as long as you don’t understand the anatomy of a human being, how can you have an open heart? It’s just not possible. Because the mind (your thinking) is the cause and your experience (whether your heart is open or closed) is the effect, in other words, the result of your thinking. So a closed mind = closed heart. And an open mind = open heart. It’s as simple as that. And one of the best ways you can open your mind and your heart is to work on understanding how we human beings get to be the way we are. Nothing is more important than this!

I have developed a meditation which can help you open your mind and heart which I call “The Heathrow Airport Meditation”. Try it when you’re out traveling or when you’re with a large group of people.

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