Are relationships the work of the Devil?

Once upon a time many thousands of years ago, the Devil Himself was sitting in his boiling hot company headquarters in Hell, looking at his mission statement, which was hanging on the wall in big flaming red letters at the other end of his office. It read: “To make as many people as possible as unhappy as possible for as long as possible.”

The Devil was actually a bit depressed because he felt that it really wasn’t going very well with the Devil & Co.’s mission at the moment. Despite his persistent efforts, people all around the world were really very happy and satisfied. People were just loafing around loving themselves and each other and feeling really quite good about everything.

So the Devil knew that he had to do something drastic if he was going to avoid being transferred, degraded – or worse – fired. He would have to come up with something that would really and truly kick ass and make people desperately unhappy.

And that was when he suddenly got the most brilliant idea! An idea that would – without a shadow of a doubt – really make his mission and vision of making as many people as possible as unhappy as possible for as long as possible – a reality: RELATIONSHIPS!

Yes! Of course, that was it! The Devil could already see it. Relationships – the direct route to Hell! One big lie – or a series of lies – that were so big and convincing that they would start making people desperately unhappy right from childhood…

The Devil started frantically writing his plan down:

The Devil’s no. 1 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is outside of myself.
Woohoo! It’s brilliant! Brilliant thought the Devil as he hopped up and down enthusiastically on his flaming red throne. If I can just get enough people to believe that the love they seek is outside themselves… it will be truly awesome. So awesome that the Devil & Co. will probably end up being listed on the New York Stock Exchange!

Brilliant. Now that the basic concept was in place, it was time to add a little more pain… he he he.

The Devil’s no. 2 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is dependent on another person.
Woohoo again! This is good, really, really good thought the Devil, surprised by his own brilliance. I’m really something… yes I really am! Amazing… And here’s another one…!

The Devil’s no. 3 lie about relationships:
I can only experience the love that I seek with one single person.
Even more brilliant! Sometimes I just surprise myself. He could see the Devil & Co.’s worldwide advertising campaign supported by Internet banners in every language proclaiming things like “The One and Only”, “The Love of Your Life”, “True Romance”… brilliant, brilliant. This is just brilliant. The Devil could feel the confusion, the overwhelming longing, the terrible misery and loneliness all the way down to his fifteen big toes. Millions and millions of people around the world who actually believe that they could only experience the love they seek with one specific person – without ever quite knowing who this one specific person is.  And if one was actually lucky enough to find this person; there was no guarantee that this person would love you back. And no guarantee that he or she wasn’t already in another relationship. Yes brilliant! Just brilliant. If the Devil could get people to believe this, it would be the end of all that suffocating touchy-feely lovey-dovey stuff that was flourishing on earth at the moment. It would be the end of all those happy people who just love everything and everyone…

And last but not least…

The Devil’s no. 4 lie about relationships:
It’s only love if the relationship lasts forever.
Yes! That’s good – that’s got to hurt! With this lie, the Devil could be sure that people would stay unhappy no matter what. If they weren’t in a relationship, they’d be unhappy because they’d believe that the love that they seek was outside of themselves. And if they were in a relationship where the partners drifted apart, well this devilish lie – (that it was only love if the relationship lasted forever) – would keep them in the relationship no matter what. And the few who actually were brave enough to separate, well they would always look back at the relationship and feel it was one big failure.

Hmmmm….The Devil was aware that this last lie was pretty far out and that it would be pretty difficult to get people to believe it. So he figured he’d add a little extra lie to back this one up. He decided he’d spread the word that it was God Himself – the Top Dog – who proclaimed this lie to be the God’s honest Truth. The Devil would make sure that all religions in the world taught that a relationship was only genuine and real if the two partners took a solemn oath that they would love each other and stay together forever – no matter what happened!

Ha ha ha – am I brilliant or what? The Devil just couldn’t stop slapping his thighs with pure devilish joy.

Okay – so far so good. Now it was time for action – and not just a little action. No, no, no. The Devil knew that if he was going to sell such a colossal pack of lies to humanity, he’d really have to roll out the heaviest possible brain washing campaign. So he called in all his sales and marketing and branding departments and worked day and night developing a campaign that would make even the most incredible lies about racism, nationalism, sexism, age-ism and materialism fade in comparison. The Devil’s campaign would be a mega-giga-super-duper advertising campaign about “The One and Only” backed by a million trillion pop songs and music videos and TV series and movies and women’s magazines and books and novels, all backed by the fashion and cosmetic industries – all of whom would broadcast non-stop day and night and in unison the Devil’s lies about relationships….

I wonder how the Devil’s brilliant plan turned out…?

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Women’s magazines are the world’s biggest promoters of relationship myths

One of the funniest and most entertaining things I know of (or tragic, depending on how you look at it) is reading the relationship advice in women’s magazines. Because most of them are based on truckloads of myths about relationships that really don’t have anything to do with reality. Try reading this priceless article below about relationships with a big age difference from the Danish women’s magazine “Woman”.  Every time there is something is italics and parentheses, it’s me pointing out that whatever was just said is based on some delusion when it comes to relationships, a delusion that doesn’t have anything to do with reality. 

Here’s the article:

Grave robber or cradle robber
Woman gives good advice on relationships with a big age difference
by Signe Lønholdt

Live in the present, but think about the future (Is it true? Does it really lead to happiness to think about the future, which is just a thought that doesn’t have anything to do with reality?) Many couples with a big age difference live in the present and don’t consider how things will be in the future (Is this true? I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t think about how things are going to be in the future!) Perhaps it’s frightening to think 10 years ahead. One of the partners in the relationship will be old while the other will still be relatively young. On the other hand, the age difference means less as you become older. A 20-year-old woman and a 35-year-old man will probably have less in common than a 50-year-old woman and a 65-year-old man. (Is this true?)

Because one’s personality really changes a lot when you’re in your 20s and 30s (Is this true? In my experience, the thoughts and beliefs that make up our personalities are formed during our early childhood and then don’t really change much unless one learns to question one’s thinking.) you could wake up one morning and find that you’ve outgrown the person you loved so much. That is why it’s especially important for people with a big age difference to talk to each other about the changes they are experiencing all the time (Why is it more important than for a couple where the age difference isn’t so big? Is it true that people of different ages are different?)

People in their 30s, 40s and 50s are much more active and in much better shape than the same age groups just 10 years ago so a few years plus or minus don’t really matter psychologically (Here the journalist contradicts herself. She just said that a few years plus or minus really mean a lot psychologically.) In today’s Denmark, it may not mean so much that there is a big age difference (Is it true? Then why is she writing an article about relationships with a big age difference?) – getting a relationship to work may be more important. The most important thing is that the two people have something in common because if you want to go to town and party and he wants to play golf you will probably drift apart as time passes (Is this true? Can’t you have a good relationship even if you have different interests? Can you only have a good relationship if you do everything or almost everything together? And is there anything wrong with drifting apart as time passes? Is a relationship only a success and valuable if it lasts a long time or until death parts the partners? Is a long, unhappy relationship better than a short, happy one?) Of course it is important for each party to have their own interests (Is it true?) and it’s important that you both have your own friends your own age or with the same interests (Is it true? Why is it important to have friends your own age? Isn’t it just as good to have a friend who’s not the same age as you? What does age have to do with friendship – or with anything for that matter? Also is it true that people of different ages are different?) but make sure you have something in common – if nothing else at least your relationship.

Not too long ago the media revealed that the not-so-young Helena Christensen had her claws in 10-years-younger Josh Hartnett (Is that true? Did she contact him or did he contact her? Did she chase him or did he chase her?) and they’re not the only couple in Hollywood with a big age difference. In fact it’s almost become a sport to find a boyfriend/girlfriend who is either a lot older or a lot younger than oneself (Is it true?) and maybe you are one of the people who’s following the trend (Is it true? And if you are in a relationship where there’s a big age difference, is it because you are following a trend?) Here are a few tips for women who like Sugar Daddies or Boy Toys.

If there is more than five years age difference between you and your partner you can place yourself in the category “Partners with a big age difference”.

Maybe you think that men your own age are too immature and are still running around making jokes, so you’d rather have a more experienced and serious man. Or maybe you find men your own age way too serious and too focused on their careers – they forget to play and be impulsive so you would rather have a man who is much younger and freer.

But be sure what your motives are before you start the relationship (How can you do that? How can you become more conscious of what your motives are – and if that’s so important, why doesn’t she say anything about this in this article?) – is it because you want to be a mother for him or is it because he is the father figure you always missed. Is he a young trophy or a stable economic support? If you choose him for the wrong reasons (Is it “wrong” to choose a partner because you’re attracted to his/her physical appearance or his/her money? What then are the “right” reasons?) the relationship will be difficult because things can suddenly change – and he won’t need a mother anymore or the money can disappear.

The rest of the family
The reaction of your friends and family may not be so positive the first time you tell them that your new partner is 10 years younger or older than you are. If he is older, they might not understand what you see in him – and if he is younger, they will be betting that he will leave you when you get older. But it’s because they want the best for you, so listen to what they say (Why? Is it true that what you friends and family say is true? Have your friends and family learned to see the difference between reality and their thoughts?) and maybe they will say something wise that you can use. And if they don’t, well just let their words go in one ear and out the other and be happy that you’ve found the man in your life.

In any case, it’s important to have friends (It’s important for my happiness to have friends – is that true?) so even if they don’t take the news so nicely at first, try to get them to understand (I can get my friends to understand something they don’t understand – is that true?) that you and your new partner really are good for each other despite the big age difference. It can in fact be difficult for you and your new love to find friends who are in the same boat as you and it’s always nice to have someone you can talk to about life and love, so why not keep your old friends?

___

Marvelous right??? High level comedy…. right!

If this is where women get their information about relationships, it’s no wonder most women are more or less confused, frustrated and unhappy when it comes to relationships (whether they’re single, lovers, married, divorced or whatever). And if their partners also buy these myths, is it any wonder that our relationships are a battlefield of unhappiness, confusion, anger, jealousy, insecurity, stress, unfulfilled expectations and performance anxiety?

You can do better than this dear women’s magazines!

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Stay away from women in their 30s

Why? Because women in their 30s are the worst! Why do I say that? Because when a woman is in her 30s, she believes (utterly and completely) that the good life, the perfect life, the sweet life is just around the corner if she just works hard enough and is good enough. And she believes utterly and completely that if she just works hard enough she will soon have this perfect life (the one the glossy women’s magazines are shoving down our throats and telling us is the royal road to eternal happiness) with the perfect man, the perfect relationship, the perfect kids, the perfect family, a great sex life, a beautiful, sexy body, a great career, a good job, a beautiful home with perfect designer furniture, quality weekends, picture-perfect holidays, and a superb lifestyle with more and more and more quality.

It’s simply so exhausting to be around a woman in her 30s that it makes me want to puke (and believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in their 30s). So now every time I meet a woman in her 30s, I look for the nearest exit. Because I know having a relationship with a woman in her 30s means big-time stress!

Now I stick to women in their 20s or 40s or older. Because even if women in their 20s still believe the dream that if you just work hard enough, one day you will achieve all these things and be happy – at least most women in their 20s also have the attitude “But not just yet. I still want a few years of fun before I sign up for the feminine version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.” (Even though I have in truth also met women who already in their late 20s were infected with this deadly form of insanity).

And then there are women over 40 – thank God! They are usually even more fun than women in their 20s because women over 40 as a rule, no longer have such illusions. Women in their 40s or older have worked themselves to the bone day and night to live up to the dream that says if they just manage to achieve this or that they’ll be happy – and now they’re over 40 and guess what – it didn’t happen. The bubble burst! Either they didn’t achieve the things they thought would make them happy – a man, children, family, job, career, beautiful home, designer furniture, friends, picture-perfect holidays and so forth (and are now simply worn out, unhappy and stressed from working so hard for so many years) or they achieved all the things they believed were necessary to be happy – and have to admit that they’re still not happy. And they’re also starting to realize that the game’s over, the race is run and that despite their dedicated efforts they are not getting any younger or more beautiful or healthier or stronger. The reality is their kids just keep on growing and their husbands and boyfriends aren’t getting any smarter, and getting the latest, hottest new stuff just doesn’t seem to make anything better anymore. So they begin to realize that if they don’t start living life now and having some fun now, they’re never going to live life and have fun. So they begin to drop their cherished female version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome and start focusing a little more on relaxing, breathing, and enjoying life. Which of course is why it’s so much fun to be with women who are over 40! Unless of course they are still stubbornly stuck in the glossy magazine dreams (and I have to admit I have met a few pitiful examples of women who were still fighting the losing battle to keep the old dream alive), but whenever I met one of these I think, why worry – sooner or later they’ll collapse and give up.

So that’s why I say, stay away from women in their 30s. And if you are a woman in your 30s, if you want to survive your 30s and stay sane – it might be a good idea to stop trying to live up to society’s idea of a woman in her 30s!

Stay away from women in their 30s - Part 2

After reading Part 1, some of you might now be thinking – is this just one 35-year-old man venting his spleen at his ex-girlfriends and women in their 30s in general? But hand on my heart, it’s not. The truth is I think that women in their 30s are the most beautiful and wonderful creatures. My words are in fact an attempt to cast some light on something much deeper and more fundamental:

* We live in a society where we (both women and men) are bombarded and brainwashed (from the moment we are born and for the rest of our lives) to accept the most insane beliefs about what it takes to feel OK,  live a happy life and be loved.

* The really stressful consequences of these insane beliefs often seem to reach their climax in women in their 30s (and also in men in their 30s - including me!). There can be many reasons for this – not least the fact that a woman in her 30s today is expected (or expects herself) to be able to do all of the following at the same time – be a new mother, wife/girlfriend, sexy lover, look terrific, bake homemade cookies for the kids’ kindergarten, have a successful career, live in a beautiful home with designer furniture, be a good friend and generally just be what I call the feminine version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.

* The stressful consequences of these insane expectations are often followed by different degrees of:

- Serious crisis or breakdown (typically around the age of 37-38 according to reliable sources). They just can’t take it anymore.

- Disillusionment (usually for the next 5-10 years). For many years now I have been giving lectures and workshops and doing private sessions both in Denmark and abroad about how we can live better and more happy lives. In the beginning I used to wonder why most of the people attending were women in the ages 35-50 and why almost no men attend. And also why there was almost never anyone in their 20s or over 60, but now I am starting to understand why.

- Waking up (if it hurts enough!)

So my words are not in any way an attack on women in their 30s – on the contrary, my words are really a cry for help for all of us. Let us do something about our collective insanity before not just women in their 30s, but everyone (all of humanity) and the whole of Planet Earth starts to have the Biggest Nervous Breakdown Ever – which actually seems to be happening already…

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Are women to blame for all that porn?

As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve been experiencing an explosive growth in the amount of pornography that’s available in recent years. There’s porn everywhere – on the Internet, in the sex shops, on DVD, and even on TV late at night. And even if more and more women have started to jump on the porn bandwagon in recent years, there’s still no doubt that porn is mainly made for men and watched by men.

Sometimes I wonder why it’s like this. Why are more and more men watching so much porn? And recently it struck me that it may partly be because of women themselves! That perhaps there is a connection between the many relationship myths that are driving us crazy and men’s fast-growing consumption of pornography.

To understand what I’m driving at, let’s take a look at a typical relationship scenario in Denmark:

To begin with, both the man and the woman work really hard all day long and are building their careers. And if they have children, well they have to be taken care of before and after work. They have to be taken to and from day care or kindergarten and then the couple has to shop, make food, clean, read bedtime stories to the kids… and when they’re finally done with all the chores of the day, most of them are really, really tired and just want to relax.

But ho, it’s not that easy is it? Because now the woman wants the two of them to “be together”. Now it’s time for the two of us to spend some “quality time” together. You know, talk and do stuff together. And what does the man do? Of course he agrees – because he loves her and really, really wants to be a decent human being – even if deep down inside he just wants a little peace and quiet.

On weekends things continue in the same way. The man really just wants to have a little peace, but ho, it’s not that easy is it? Because now they’re supposed to “be together” and do the 1001 things the women’s magazines proclaim is the way to the good life for modern women and modern couples. Let’s go look at a new kitchen and some designer furniture. Let’s invite our friends over for a good dinner with good wine, or let’s spend some time with the kids and so on. And the man agrees – because he loves her and really, really wants to be a decent human being – even if deep down inside he just wants a little peace and quiet.

And then it’s summer holiday and he thinks oh now maybe I can finally get a little peace. But ho, it’s not that easy is it because the woman in his life has already made a lot of plans for the two of them. There’s that exciting urban holiday to New York or Barcelona or let’s visit the family on the West Coast and have some fun with the kids at Disney World – or maybe it’s the right time to install that new kitchen. And the man agrees again – because he loves her and really, really wants to be a decent human being – even if deep down inside he just wants a little peace and quiet.

And then, if the man tries to weasel his way out of things just a little and tries to get a little peace and quiet once in a while – well too bad for him. Because then the woman drags him to something called relationship therapy where he is told that if a relationship is really going to work, he must open himself up even more and share his feelings and listen to how she feels (as if he doesn’t listen to her 24 hours a day already). And that it’s important for them to do things together – just for them. And since he’s such a decent human being, he goes along with it and tries as hard as he can – even if deep down inside he just wants a little peace and quiet.

But relationship therapy is just the beginning because you know it’s important that their relationship continues to develop. So the woman in his life starts dragging him to various self-help lectures and seminars in positive thinking and clairvoyance and aura-bathing and tantra and other spiritual get-togethers where he must sit and look deep into the eyes of some stranger for hours and talk about his deepest feelings. And since he’s such a decent human being, he just trots along faithfully – even if deep down inside he just wants a little peace and quiet.

But then…when the woman in his life lets go of the leash for just a few moments, he sees his chance! And then what does he do? Well of course! He sneaks over to his computer with a pounding heart and visits porn heaven!

Oh heaven indeed. For here – in the free and uninhibited land of porn – he can be with one or several women who don’t say a word and who have no expectations or demands and who don’t threaten him with eternal damnation in relationship hell and 101 relationship therapists and personal development courses if he just for a few moments doesn’t do what’s expected of him. Here he can relax with one or more women who more than willingly let him put his manhood in all three holes and finally deliver his big load right in their faces.

Ahhh… here he can finally get a little peace and quiet….

Are women to blame for all that porn? - Part 2
or
Why are men such wimps?

If you read the first part of this article, it’s probably starting to dawn on you that in reality this piece really has nothing to do with pornography. The title could just as well be “Are women to blame for all that football?” or “Are women to blame for all that TV?” Or whatever men do to have a few minutes of peace and quiet once in a while. This article is really an attempt to shed some light on some much deeper problems.

First of all, we live in a society (and world) where both men and women are constantly being bombarded from all sides with the 1001 things and activities we are told we should have and do to live a good, happy life.

In this article, I’ve chosen to look at the relationship model where it’s the woman who is the standard bearer for this life of mile-high expectations. But as we will see, the man is in his own way just as confused as the woman. If the man really wants to have some peace and quiet – and doesn’t want to drive himself crazy all the time trying to achieve the dream life at the end of the women’s magazines’ rainbow – why doesn’t he just stop and say no and set some limits in relation to the woman in his life? Is he really just a total wimp or what?

Of course the simplest answer is yes – the man really is a total wimp, but if you look a bit closer there are actually quite a few reasons why the man in this type of relationship has ended up in this situation:

1) The first possible reason is that the man himself has equally bought into the 1001 things and activities we believe we must have and do to be an OK and happy person. He’s jumped on the same bandwagon as the woman and that makes it difficult for him to say no, even if a part of him really wants to have some peace and quiet once in a while.

But if the man in this example hasn’t completely bought into the myths and deep inside doesn’t want to be a part of the rat race and just wants to have some peace and quiet once in a while, why doesn’t he just say so? Why doesn’t he dare say no? Why is he such a wimp?

2) To understand why he doesn’t dare be honest and set some limits, we have to look a little more closely at the way he thinks. If you look back at the first part of this article, you’ll see that the man in this type of relationship doesn’t dare say no to the woman in his life because he believes in one of the oldest and greatest myths when it comes to relationships:

If you love me, you’ll do what I want.

He believes that if a man loves his woman (which he does) and is a decent human being (which he is trying really, really hard to be), then he’ll almost always do what his partner wants him to do.

And it’s the belief in this – one of the most powerful myths when it comes to relationships and love – that makes it almost impossible for the man to say no.

So what do you do, if you think like this (whether you’re a man or a woman) and have landed in a situation like this?

The first thing you can do is question the above myth. Investigate this age-old belief – a belief that is as old as relationships themselves – and see if it really has anything to do with reality.

Is it really true that if you love someone, you will almost always do what the other person wants?

Is it really true that if you are a decent human being, you will almost always do what your partner wants you to do?

If you investigate this, you will probably discover that none of these ideas are true or have anything to do with reality when it comes to relationships or human relations in general. Because what’s the reality? Do you love your partner? Yes probably. And does she love you? Yes probably. Do you always want the same things? Well probably not. Do you always agree about everything? No, probably not here either. But does this mean that you don’t love and care about each other? Of course not. The two things – your love for each other – and your wishes and preferences in each changing moment – have nothing to do with each other. And the fact that you don’t always want the same things or have the same preferences has absolutely nothing to do with being a decent human being either.

Once you’ve separated these two things – the partners’ love for each other and their differing desires and preferences – it makes it much easier to say no thank you when your partner asks for something that doesn’t feel right for you.

But perhaps you’re thinking… “What if my partner still believes that if you love each other, you’ll do what your partner wants? What if she pressures me to do what she wants? How can I say no?”

Two good ways to say no
If your partner is pressuring you to do what she (or he) wants and you find it difficult to say no, it can be a big help to learn two of my favourite techniques for saying no. The techniques are called “fogging” and “negative inquiry” (from Manuel J. Smith’s classic book on assertion called “When I say no, I feel guilty – How to cope using the skills of systematic assertive therapy”).

But a little background first: To use these two techniques effectively, it’s important to understand how you partner is trying to get you to do what she wants.  In her head, your partner has various beliefs about the “right” and “wrong” ways of doing things in a relationship and about what one “should” and “shouldn’t” do in a relationship. And she believes that if a person breaks one of these arbitrary rules for having a good relationship (for example the “rule” which says that if you love me you’ll do what I want) then it means that you are an inconsiderate, unloving person. And what happens if you also believe these ideas about what makes a good relationship and then you go and break them by saying no to your partner? Yes, well then both you and your partner believe that you are an inconsiderate, unloving person. And how does that make you feel? Guilty of course! Which is not a very nice feeling. In fact, feeling guilty is so unpleasant that we human beings will do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling this way – including saying yes when we really feel like saying no.

So… if your partner is non-assertive… And by that I mean she’s someone who isn’t good at asking directly for what she wants probably because she also isn’t good at taking “no” for an answer (because she has anxious thoughts about what a “no” might mean), then she will often try to manipulate you into saying yes by making you feel guilty if you say “no”. And the way she will manipulate you into feeling guilty is by making you believe that by saying “no” you have broken one of the holy rules about relationships, which makes you an inconsiderate, unloving bastard.

Just think about it. Have you ever not wanted to do what the woman in your life asked you to do – and yet you ended up doing it anyway? Why did you do it? Wasn’t it because she made you feel guilty, made you feel that you were a bad person because you violated the rules for good behaviour in a relationship? What a hopeless situation to be in! If you do what feels right for you, you feel guilty. And if you don’t do what feels right for you and say yes against your will, it feels uncomfortable – as if you’ve somehow betrayed your own integrity.

But if you look more closely at it, you will discover that you can only feel guilty if you yourself believe in the unwritten rules for good behaviour in a relationship. If you yourself believe that if you break these rules it means you aren’t a decent human being. So it turns out that you’re the one who’s manipulating you!

Okay, so far so good. But what do you do in reality when the woman in your life asks you to do something and the honest answer inside you is no? What do you do if your partner still believes the unwritten rules for good behaviour in a relationship? What do you do when she tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do by criticizing you and trying to make you feel guilty?

This is where the two techniques “fogging” and “negative inquiry” can be such a great help.

Fogging
Fogging is very simple and can be quite amusing to use once you’ve learned how to do it. Let’s say the woman in your life has asked you something and you’ve answered no. If she is non-assertive, her next move will probably be to criticize you in the hope that it will make you feel guilty so you’ll do what she wants you to do. So here’s what you do. Instead of defending yourself when you are criticized or entering into a long-winded discussion about the matter, you simply “fog” her. In short this means you answer her by saying that she might be right in her criticism and that your answer is still no. Let me give you an example from my own (writing) life:

Woman: Why don’t we go for a nice picnic in the woods this weekend?
Man: That sounds like a great idea and I can’t. I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: But you’re always working on your book on weekends (here she’s indirectly implying that there’s something “wrong” with always working on a book on weekends).
Man: You could be right (fogging). And I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: You always get totally lost when you work on your book (here she’s indirectly implying that there’s something “wrong” in getting totally lost in your work).
Man: You could be right (fogging).
Woman: It’s been so long since we’ve done something together on a weekend (here she’s indirectly implying that it’s “wrong” not to have done anything together on a weekend for a long time).
Man: You could be right (fogging).
Woman: You’re only thinking about yourself! (Here she’s indirectly implying that it’s “wrong” to think about yourself).
Man: You could be right (fogging). And this weekend I’m going to work on my book.
Woman: But what about us?
Man: What do you mean?
Woman: When are we going to spend some time together?
Man: Well let me think about it. Maybe we could go for a picnic next week, one day after work?
Woman: Yes that would be nice.
Man: You could be right!

As you can see in this example of “fogging”, the man doesn’t defend himself when the woman criticizes him indirectly. He just acknowledges that he heard her and that he is open to the possibility that what she is saying might be true. When, for example, she says “it’s been so long since we’ve done something together on a weekend”, he answers that she might be right. Maybe she’s right and maybe she isn’t. It all depends how you look at it. For who decides when it’s been a long time? And what is a long time? A month? Three months? Three years? It all depends on how you look at it!

Another good thing about “fogging” is that you are also sending a strong message to your non-assertive partner that you don’t mind criticism and that you don’t think criticism is dangerous or something to be afraid of. You’re also saying that you’re quite OK with the fact that you’re not perfect (whatever that means!). When you’ve sent this message a few times, your non-assertive partner will gradually start to understand that she won’t get very far with this type of manipulation.

Negative inquiry
The next technique called negative inquiry is even more effective when it comes to dealing with a non-assertive, manipulative woman (or man) in a skilful manner. As we just saw, the reason why a woman (or man) tries to pressure her/his partner into doing what they want is that she herself is non-assertive. In other words, she has difficulty asking for what she wants and taking “no” for an answer. And why can’t she take no for an answer? Simply because she unconsciously believes a whole slew of untrue beliefs about relationships and love and about what a “no” means. So what you are doing with negative inquiry is trying – in a very gentle way – to gradually make the other person aware of the untrue beliefs that lie behind her or his non-assertive behaviour. Because when first these beliefs are out in the open, you can question them or decide what to do about them. Let’s try the same situation again, only this time let’s deal with it using negative inquiry.

Woman: Why don’t we go for a nice picnic in the woods this weekend?
Man: That sounds like a great idea and I can’t. I’m planning on working on my book this weekend.
Woman: But you’re always working on your book on weekends.
Man: I don’t understand – is there something wrong with me almost always working on my book during the weekends? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: You always get totally lost when you work on your book.
Man: I don’t understand – is there anything wrong with me getting totally lost in my work when I’m working on my book? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: When you get so lost in your work, you forget about me.
Man: I don’t understand – is there anything wrong with me forgetting you when I’m working on my book? (Negative inquiry)
Woman: When you forget me like this, then I think you’re not interested in me anymore and that maybe you don’t love me anymore. (Here comes the truth – what she is really afraid of.)
Man: That’s not true darling. I do love you and I’m very interested in you. And this weekend I am planning on working on my book.
Woman: Do you really love me?
Man: Yes darling, of course I do.

As you can see from this example, the woman’s non-assertive behaviour stemmed from the fact that she was afraid (that she had the unconscious belief) that when the man said no to her request it meant he no longer loved her or wasn’t interested in her. By using negative inquiry and questioning her statements, he finally found out what was bothering her (her basic belief) and was then able to tell her that it wasn’t true. When he was lost in his work and forgot about his surroundings (including her) it didn’t mean in any way that he wasn’t interested in her or that he didn’t love her.

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f2 + s2 = rls

f (friend) + f (friend) = f2 (friendship)
s (sex partner) + s (sex partner) = s2 (sex)
f2 (friendship) + s2 (sex) = rls (relationship)

f2 + s2 = rls

When you understand this universal relationship law (also known as Ray’s Theory of Relationship Relativity), it becomes obvious why there are so many problems in relationships today. It’s basically because men and women are not very good friends.

In other words, they don’t talk honestly to each other like good friends do. They don’t accept and embrace each other unconditionally like good friends do. They don’t listen openly to each other like good friends do. They don’t allow each other be exactly who they are like good friends do. They don’t set each other free like good friends do. They don’t support each other in following their hearts like good friends do. And when they disagree, they don’t respect each other like good friends do. And to make matter even worse, they have lots and lots of unrealistic expectations to each other which good friends don’t have for each other.

So if a man and a woman can’t even be good friends (the most essential ingredient in a relationship), is it any wonder that they have problems in what could be one of life’s most intimate relationships?

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Can a relationship only work if you compromise?

One of the myths you often meet in today’s relationship jungle is the myth that a relationship can only work if you compromise. In other words, a relationship can only function if one or both partners sometimes do something their partner wants even if he or she really doesn’t want to do it in their heart of hearts.

But is this really true? What would happen if both partners in a relationship just did what they really wanted to do – in their heart of hearts? I think the answer is pretty obvious…  You’d have a relationship in which each partner was only doing what he or she really feels like doing.

I don’t know about you, but I think this sounds like a very harmonious and peaceful way to be in a relationship!

“But,” you might ask, “what if this means there are only a few things both partners feel like doing together?”

Well what if? What if there are only a few things that both people really feel like doing together – what’s wrong with that?

Which leads us directly to another good old myth about relationships – the one that says the value of a relationship depends on how much time two people spend together. In other words, the amount of time and not the quality of the time is the determining factor.

But is this true? Is it better to be in a relationship where you spend a lot of semi-bad time together (because one or both parties are doing things they really don’t want to do) than being in a relationship where you spend a little good-quality time together (because both parties are following their hearts and doing what feels right for them)?

Go inside and see how this feels to you.

In fact, my experience is that one of the main reasons why so many relationships don’t work and why there is so much confusion and unhappiness in many relationships (and why so many relationships end) is that one or both partners are compromising and not following their heart’s desire.

What about you? Do you sometimes compromise in your relationship? Do you sometimes do things you don’t really want to do – in your heart of hearts? And if the answer is yes – well why? Why do you do it? And what are you afraid of? What do you believe will happen if you don’t compromise? What do you believe will happen if you don’t do things you don’t want to do?

Or do you just go along and do things (in other words sometimes compromise) because you believe in the myth that a relationship can only work if you compromise? How would you be – and how would you feel and act – if you no longer believed in this myth? Would your relationship in reality start to work much better without this belief?

Another thing that really adds fuel to the myth about relationships and compromise is the fact that so many of us confuse “compromise” with “transaction” or “agreement”. Let me give you some examples of what I mean.

One of the most common types of “transactions” we all know is the commercial transaction. For example, you want a brand new dark blue Peugeot 107 and it costs DKK 107,000 to have it. The car salesman wants DKK 107,000 and for that “price”, he will give you a brand new, dark blue Peugeot 107. This is a transaction. This is not a compromise. Both parties want something and both parties are willing to pay the price to get it.

Another transaction that we all experience several times in our life is the employee-employer transaction. For example, you want DKK 35,000 a month and the chance to use your talents as a scientist – and the price is that you arrive at work at Novo Nordisk every morning from Monday to Friday at 8.30 am and stay until 4.30 pm and do a certain job. Novo Nordisk wants a scientist to further develop one of their products – and the price they are willing to pay is DKK 35,000 a month. This is a transaction or an agreement. It’s not a compromise. Both parties want something and both are willing to pay the price to get what they want.

Another “transaction” or “agreement” that many of us enter into is the parent-child relationship. For example: You and your partner want to share the joy of having a child. The “price” for this great joy is (approximately) something like for the next 18 years the two of you will take care of this child until the child is able to take care of him/herself (whether or not you stay together as a couple). Again, this is a transaction or an agreement. It’s not a compromise. Both partners want something and both are willing to pay the price to get it. Of course you can try to back out of this “contract”, but as we all know, this is a bit complicated once the baby has arrived. There’s no cancelation right when it comes to children!

But what about relationships? What is the agreement or “transaction” when it comes to relationships? Things are far more tricky when it comes to relationships because in today’s world we no longer have any fixed script or rules for how relationships “should” be.

It wasn’t always like this. Historically speaking it wasn’t that long ago that the relationship-transaction or agreement was something like this – the woman stayed at home and cleaned and cooked and took care of the children and was the man’s lover. The man worked and earned money and managed the country and went to war to defend the country if necessary. It was pretty straightforward way back then. Something for something. And if a woman wasn’t satisfied with this arrangement, well she was either forced into it or excluded from society – or ended up an old maid.

Today it’s no longer like this (at least not in the Western world). Today (at least on paper) there is equality between men and women. Women are free to work and have just as much economic and political freedom as men. Women no longer need men to take care of them economically and politically. And it turns out that men are just as capable of cooking and cleaning and taking care of children and being lovers as women are. So what do we need relationships for? And what is the script for relationships today? Is the relationship script that we have sex every Tuesday and Saturday night and go swimming on Sundays? Or is it that we do everything together (when we’re not at work) unless we agree on something else? Or is it that we don’t have any agreements or obligations at all?

The answer of course is that there isn’t any fixed answer to this question today. Today most relationships – in contrast to many human transactions like commercial and job transactions – are not clearly defined. There are no clear rules as to how a relationship should be at the moment. Today relationships are a completely open arena with no limits – you can do exactly what you want.

But because most of us are not conscious about this – and because most of us still believe that a relationship is a clearly defined transaction with a fixed script – we are often really confused when we are in a relationship. This was my experience in a relationship I was in a few years ago. After the first wild falling-in-love period, my girlfriend and I started to have all kinds of fights and arguments about how much time we should spend together and what we should do when we were together. And I realized that a big part of our difficulty came from the fact that we had very different mental scripts when it came to how relationships “should” be. For example, my girlfriend’s basic premise was that we spent all our time together (our free time) unless we agreed on something else while my basic premise was that we weren’t together unless we agreed to be together. So it’s easy to see how much trouble and misunderstanding this caused. And it wasn’t just in this area that we had problems, we each had a long list of ideas about how a relationship should be in practice and in most cases our lists just didn’t match.

But even more important, we never sat down and talked about our expectations to relationships or agreed on them. And when we finally did, we discovered that we couldn’t agree on almost anything. Our expectations just didn’t match – and so the relationship ended.

I learned from this experience how important it is to sit down and clearly communicate your wishes and desires (as early as possible in a relationship) to each other. In practice this could mean something like:

1. Communicate clearly with yourself first. Find out who you are and what you want and don’t want in a relationship. And know that what you want or don’t want is 100% okay. Whether your idea of the perfect relationship is to have tantric sex blindfolded once a year at the Hilton Hotel or if it’s holding hands non-stop 24 hours a day. You can’t communicate clearly with your partner until you communicate clearly with yourself.

This might sound simple – but in my experience – this can be very difficult for many of us. Not least because we are constantly bombarded with 101 myths about what a “real” relationship is and what you should or shouldn’t want when it comes to one’s life and relationships. So to really be honest with oneself often means spending some time questioning all the myths about relationships. Also because it can be pretty scary and inhibiting to try to find out what you really want and don’t want when it comes to relationships if you are scared to death that what you want is “wrong” or “strange”.

2. Communicate clearly your wishes and desires when it comes to relationships to your partner or potential partner. Be specific and practical. What? How much? When? Where?

Again, this can really be a big challenge for many. But here again, the main reason so many of us find this to be a big challenge is that we believe a lot of thoughts and have a lot of beliefs about what is right and wrong, good and bad – and what one should and shouldn’t want and do when it comes to relationships. So if you are afraid of communicating your desires to your partner – the key again is to ask yourself “why”. And then take a good look at all the reasons why… For example you might believe things like, “It’s not possible to be in a relationship if you’re like that,” or “No man or woman would be interested in having a relationship like that” or “I should want this or that type of relationship” or “There’s something wrong with me,” and so on.

3. Listen to your partner’s wishes and desires when it comes to relationships.

And then believe what your partner or potential partner says! Don’t fool yourself and think “He/she doesn’t really mean that”, or “He/she will change with time”, or “It’s just a phase he/she’s going through”, or one of the many other insane stories we tell ourselves about the other person instead of living in harmony with reality and accepting that the person in front of us is precisely 100% like he or she is and will probably NEVER change. Who would you be if you couldn’t believe the thought that your partner will change? It’s a pretty amazing thought isn’t it! So yes believe what your partner tells you! This is what I call a reality check!

4. See if there are any areas where your wishes and desires match. If there are, well then maybe there really is a good basis for some kind of relationship between the two of you. But if there isn’t, if the reality is that your wishes and expectations are very different – then it’s probably a good idea to look for a more compatible partner!

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Notes from the diary of a sex addict

There she is. Standing there in her red high heels. So sexy. And I’m in a daze. Something’s moving down below. What a strange phenomenon. From the red high heels to the optical nerve to movement down below… Wonder why? Hmmm. Now there’s a subject for many a scientific paper. But who wants to waste time speculating over the deeper meaning of this or that when those red high heels are on their way towards me (smile)? And now they stop right in front of me. Inviting as hell. And hey, wow, now sound is actually coming from those red high heels. Or rather from the shapely figure that’s growing out of those red high heels. Miss Red High Heels is also wearing Red Lipstick and wow things are really moving (down there). What is she saying? How come I don’t understand a word of it… other than the red lips are moving and the white teeth, tongue, mouth start a chain reaction in me that makes it totally impossible to think clearly. What is she saying? Oh fuck, who cares? Enough that those red high heels and red lips are moving closer. Now I can even smell her… Fantastic how all this red seems to smell of roses and something else indescribably sweet. Weaving a magic spell around me, catching me in her net, like a poor little fly caught by a big spider. Oh yes, I am the fly and you can devour me skin and bones and everything…

                                                                 __________

And then bang! It strikes me that what I’m experiencing is a first class example of what those dear psychologists call “attachment hunger”… And there I go… misinterpreting the strong attraction I feel for Miss Red High Heels with the thought that a relationship with her could in any way be wise or healthy or good for either one of us…

Oh yeah, I’ve fallen into the trap once again… all the way…boom!

But hey bro, can I still pull out before the ship really goes aground for good?

Yes, yes, there’s still time. And even if she’s standing there swaying and luring me on with those damn red lips and those damn red heels and all the other wonderful, shapely aspects of her that are so delicious to look at – something shifts inside me. Something healthy and wise gets the upper hand and knows that all this is just leading in one direction – straight to hell. So I smile all nice and friendly like and excuse myself. I turn away resolutely and leave. Find a few innocent-looking people who are not wearing red high heels or red lipstick that I can talk to about everything and nothing. And as I stand there, I feel my inner turbulence starting to subside and I begin to feel clear and easy again, right in the heart of me. Because I chose love for myself instead of a few seconds, a few minutes of pleasure followed by days, weeks, months and maybe even years of regret and torment!

Whew, that was a close call!

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To relationship interview with Tim Ray

When a company is looking for a new employee for a job, candidates usually go through one or several job interviews to determine whether or not the candidate is the right person for the job. Things like the candidate’s background, educational credentials, and previous work experience are explored in detail. Plus the responsibilities and challenges of the new job as well as company values and vision. The candidate will be asked what he or she can contribute to the company and in return, the company may offer good career advancement potential. Finally there may be negotiations about salary, perks, job training, etc.

So I’ve been thinking, why not introduce the same procedure when we’re looking for new partners? Why not invite potential candidates for the job as your new partner to “relationship” interviews and find out whether he or she is the right person for the job!

Not a bad idea – right!

Here are some of the things I might ask a woman coming to a relationship interview for the job as my new girlfriend…

“So you are interested in the job as my new girlfriend. Do you realize that at the moment this is only a part-time job? So tell me, how do you feel about flexible working hours?”

“I presume that you have carefully studied the job description and that you realize that this is a rather unusual job with some unusual responsibilities and challenges… and that the job as my girl friend will probably involve quite a lot of inner work…”

“What are your qualifications for the job? Why do you believe that you are the right person for the job? I can see from your CV that you have some previous relationship experience – and I’m happy to see you have some international relationship experience too. But do you have any experience in having a boyfriend like me?”

“What can you contribute to my life? Can you tell me briefly why I should choose you for the job as my girlfriend?”

“How would you describe your strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relationships?”

“I can see that your last relationship with John ended rather abruptly… what happened there? I can also see from your CV that you’ve had four different relationships in the last seven years.”

“Hmm, I can see that the competition clause with your last boyfriend expired several months ago, so you are clear as far as he is concerned…”

“The recommendation from your ex-boyfriend Martin is really quite amazing… Would you mind if I call him and have a little chat with him about you?”

“As for me, I can offer you an exciting and unconventional relationship that will give you a lot of freedom… and there will be plenty of opportunity for further development which you will be able to take with you to any new relationship you might have in the future… Plus I would like to add that we always have a lot of fun in my relationships…”

“I will not hide from you the fact that there are many candidates for the job… but you are one of the best candidates I’ve met so far…

“How would you feel about starting as a trainee for the job as my girlfriend? It would give you the opportunity to see what the job is all about and what the potential is… We could start with a trial period of say three months and see how it goes…”

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10 reality checks for staying conscious in a relationship

“Fun??” she says and continues, “Having fun right now is not good enough for me. I want to know that we have a future together, that our relationship has potential. I don’t want to wake up in a few years and find that I wasted the best years of my life on something that wasn’t going anywhere…”

Does this sound familiar? Have you said something like this to your partner or ex-partner? Or have you heard something like this from one of your partners? I know I sure have, more than once. The first time it was me who made a declaration like this (that was in the start of my relationship career). But for the last years, I’ve been on the receiving end of quite a few declarations like this from my ex-girlfriends.

And every time I’ve believed something like the thoughts above (whether I was giving or receiving them) it was enormously stressful and unpleasant. And no wonder because when you think about it, such thoughts and expectations have nothing to do with reality. They’re all based on our stories about how we think relationships “should” be – and not on how relationships really are.

That made me think there must be a more sensible and healthy way to be in a relationship – a way that is more in harmony with how relationships really are. So I tried to write down what I call “reality checks” or 10 ways of staying conscious in a relationship. Here they are:

1) I can't make you happy (that's your job).
2) I can't make you unhappy (that's also your job).
3) I can't give you anything you don't already have.
4) I can't save you from your life.
5) We have no future together (only this moment).
6) I can't promise you anything except that I can't promise you anything.
7) I will be faithful until I'm not faithful anymore.
8) I want you to do exactly what you're doing (because you'll do exactly what you're doing anyway).
9) No matter how hard you try, I'm never going to change. What you see is what you get.
10) I love you - and that doesn't mean that I'll do what you want me to do.

If you are in doubt as to whether these 10 statements are in harmony with reality or not, you can quickly test each of the 10 statements by turning each statement around to its complete opposite. Then ask yourself how you feel when you believe the opposite and let your life be run by it. Here’s how the opposites sound:

1) I can make you happy (your happiness is influenced by what I say and do).
2) I can make you unhappy (your happiness – or lack of happiness – is influenced by what I say and do).
3) I can give you something you don't already have (you are not whole and complete as you are).
4) I can save you from your life (from your thoughts, your pain, and whatever you are experiencing).
5) We have a future together (this moment is only a stepping stone on the way to some future goal).
6) I can guarantee that I will do everything I promise (I’m not allowed to change my mind).
7) I can guarantee I will be faithful to you forever (I’m not allowed to feel what I feel).
8) I want you to do what I want you to do (and not what you're doing).
9) If you try hard enough, one day I will change (don’t worry about the way I am now – you will change that with time).
10) If I really love you - I'll do what you want me to do.

How do you react when you believe our collective distorted ideas like these about relationships?

It hurts doesn’t it! It’s very stressful to believe such insane thoughts. And it’s thoughts like these that are the cause of all our relationship problems (and only all of them).

Please note that these 10 points or “reality checks” are 10 ways YOU can stay conscious in your relationship – and not 10 descriptions of a conscious relationship. I make this distinction because there is no such thing as a conscious relationship as far as I can see. And anyway, how many people does it take for you to be conscious in your relationship? Only one – YOU! Whether your partner is conscious or not, well you can’t do anything about that. That’s his or her business. And you will find that any attempt on your part to try to make the other person conscious in your relationship will only make you feel unhappy. Why? Because by trying to do this (it’s impossible anyway), you are going against all of the 10 ways that you can be conscious in a relationship!

10 reality checks for staying conscious in a relationship – Part 2

While we’re at it, don’t forget that just as you can’t make your partner happy or unhappy, it’s equally true that your partner can’t make you happy or unhappy. So here are another 10 “reality checks” that can help you stay conscious in a relationship:

1) You can't make me happy (that's my job).
2) You can't make me unhappy (that's also my job).
3) You can't give me anything I don't already have.
4) You can't save me from my life.
5) We have no future together (only this moment).
6) You can't promise me anything except that you can't promise me anything.
7) You will be faithful until you’re not faithful anymore.
8) No matter what you want me to do – I’ll do exactly what I do anyway.
9) No matter how hard I try, you’re never going to change. What I see is what I get.
10) You love me - and that doesn't mean that you'll do what I want you to do.

If you are in doubt as to whether these 10 statements are in harmony with reality or not when it comes to relationships (or any type of relationship for that matter!), once again you can test each of the 10 statements by turning each statement around 180 degrees to its complete opposite and notice how you feel when you believe the opposite. Here’s how the opposites sound:

1) You can make me happy (my happiness is influenced by what you say and do).
2) You can make me unhappy (my happiness – or lack of happiness – is influenced by what you say and do).
3) You can give me something I don't already have (I am not whole and complete as I am).
4) You can save me from my life (from my thoughts, my pain, and whatever I am experiencing).
5) We have a future together (this moment is only a stepping stone on the way to some future goal).
6) You can guarantee that you will do everything you promise (you’re not allowed to change your mind).
7) You can guarantee you will be faithful to me forever (you’re not allowed to feel what you feel).
8) It would be better if I did what you want me to do (and not what I am doing).
9) If I try hard enough, one day you will change (I shouldn’t worry about the way you are now – I will change that with time)
10) If you really love me - you'll do what I want you to do.

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Who would your partner be if you got things your way?

Most of us have lots of ideas about how we’d like our partners to be. Ideas about what he or she “should” say or do (or not say or not do) so that we can be happy. Ideas about how they should change or live their lives – ideas about what is right or wrong for them – and so on.

But you’ve maybe noticed that no matter how hard we try, the reality is that our partners seldom follow our orders or do what we want them to do. Our partners just think what they think, say what they say, and do what they do – and they seldom change no matter how hard we try to get them to change.

The other day it struck me that in fact this is really good and very intelligent. Because who would your partner be if you got things your way? Who would your partner be if you – like some kind of God – were allowed to control the Universe and dictate how your partner should think, talk, act and live his/her life? For sure your partner wouldn’t be the person he or she is right now, right? If you think about it, your partner wouldn’t even be a person at all but rather a brain-dead slobbering robot sitting in the corner with saliva dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, waiting for your next command. “Yes master, what is your command master…?”

And if you turn it around… who would you be if your partner got his way when it comes to you? Who would you be if your partner – like some kind of God – could dictate and decide what you should think, say and do? It’s a terrible thought isn’t it? You wouldn’t be yourself any more but more like a vegetable or a tamed animal in a golden cage just sitting there with a chain around your neck and shackles on your feet while you were told what to do. Ugh… what a thought!

And that’s why the fact that we have absolutely no control over each other – no control over our partners or the other people in our lives – is such a good and wonderful thing. God couldn’t have created anything more perfect. And in fact that’s exactly how God did create it!

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Club “Shoulds-ville” – the hottest club in town!

Have you heard of Club “Shoulds-ville”?

Not only is Club “Shoulds-ville” (quite literally) the hottest place in town, it’s a very special place – a lounge the Devil himself has reserved for the most unhappy VIP members of relationship hell. The entrance requirements for the club are actually quite straightforward. To become a VIP member of Club Shoulds-ville, you must suffer from constantly believing that one “should” and “should not” say and do certain things in a relationship. And since reality almost never lives up to most people’s expectations and ideas about how their partners and their relationships “should” and “shouldn’t” be, there are actually quite a lot of people who easily meet the entrance requirements for Club “Shoulds-ville”. Once admitted, Club “Shoulds-ville” is the place where they and all the other “shouldists” can stamp and scream and wail and whine over the fact that their partners and their relationships are simply not living up to what they think they “should” be.

So you can see that Club “Shoulds-ville” is a truly hellish corner of relationship hell. In the club it’s either sizzling like a furnace (for members who are frustrated or furious at their partners) or freezing cold (for members who love giving their partners the silent treatment or those icy stares or those sarcastic remarks that sting like hell). The interior design of the Club is pretty radical too. In one corner of the VIP club, there are piles and piles of broken dishes for people who need to blow off extra steam about their impossible partners. And for the most extreme members, there is the “Blood & Gore” corner with dolls that members can smash and trash and beat up all they want. And of course there’s also the trendiest bar in town with everything the heart desires when it comes to booze, pills, smokes, and drugs for all the unhappy souls who want to drown their sorrow, pain and anger.

Another important entrance requirement to Club “Shoulds-ville” is that potential members do not know the difference between “I want”, “I have to” and “I should”. People who qualify for membership tend to mix the three together. Members of the club simply do not understand that “I want” is a free choice that often leads to “I have to”.

Here’s a simple example of what club members fail to understand. Let’s say “I want” to earn 6,000 Euros a month so I can pay the rent and go to the movies once in a while. If that’s the case then “I have to” do something to earn the money – like going to work every day from 9 to 5. But there are no “shoulds” involved here. Nothing says “I should” or “shouldn’t” have money enough to pay my rent and go to the movies. There’s no law that says this. It’s something I choose to do because “I want” to have the 6,000 Euros a month for rent and the occasional movie.

In reality, the same holds true in relationships. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to relationships either. For example, when my girlfriend asks me to go with her to her family get-together this weekend, I can go or not go. There are no “shoulds” involved. But if my girlfriend tells me that going with her is a requirement if I want to be in a relationship with her – well then I have to make up my mind if I want to or not. In other words, I have to decide if I am willing to pay the price for having her as my girlfriend. And if going to the family event is the price and “I want” her to be my girlfriend, then “I have to” go. It’s that simple. It’s a straightforward exchange. But there are no “shoulds” involved – even if my girlfriend or I believe otherwise. Even if we believe that this is something one “should” do if one is a decent human being, if one really loves someone, or some other similar story. But in reality, there are no ”shoulds” involved.

But as you can guess, all the members of Club “Shoulds-ville” seem to lack the ability to look at life in this realistic manner. They simply lack this ability. Unfortunately their inner “mythbusting” antenna is kaput, broken, ruined, and wrecked. And so they can’t see the difference between reality and their thoughts and beliefs about what one “should” and “shouldn’t” do in a relationship. Instead they believe their thoughts and beliefs with the same dedication and passion as the most die-hard fundamentalists. And anyone who questions these “shouldists” and their sacred beliefs is threatened with… eternal damnation in relationship hell.

But of course it doesn’t work like that. The only ones who go straight to relationship hell are the “shouldists” themselves, where they can hang out permanently, torturing themselves around the clock.

Right now Club “Shoulds-ville” is opening its doors for a new wave of VIP members. Do you know any perfect candidates – hey what about you???

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Have you found the “one and only” one for you?

Recently one of my friends asked me if I wasn’t dreaming of finding the “one and only” one for me – someone who really understands me, someone I really feel closely connected to, someone I can share my life and my dreams with. And I answered well I’ve already found the “one and only” one for me… in two ways…

First of all, I said to my friend, I’ve discovered that the “one and only” one for me is me, myself. I’m the person I’m with 24 hours a day, every day, seven days a week. I’m the person I go to bed with every evening and wake up with every morning. I’m the person who understands me better than anyone else in the whole world. I’m the person I feel more closely connected to than anyone else. And I’m the one I always share my life and my dreams with – whether or not I notice it.

And second of all, I continued, I’ve also discovered that the “one and only” one for me is the person I am with in every moment. For example, I said to my friend, right now you’re the “one and only” one in my life. There is only you and me together right now – nothing else. And five minutes ago when I gave our order to the waiter, she was the “one and only” one in my life. And yesterday when I was playing with my 2-year-old nephew and looking in his eyes, well, he was the “one and only” one in my life. There was just him and me. And a few days ago when I was running around with my brother’s dog Tolle, well Tolle was the “one and only” one in my life. And a year ago when I was walking on the beach with my ex-girlfriend, she was the “one and only” one in my life then. And the person I’m going to give my attention to in the next moment will also be the “one and only” one in my life.

What about you? Have you found the “one and only” one for you? Or are you still looking?

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Men are the most oppressed sex

People today talk a lot about the fact that women are the most oppressed sex. And when it comes to outer things – like politics, the workplace, finances, religion, childcare and much more – this does definitely seem to be the case. But what about when it comes to our inner lives? What about when it’s about our thoughts and feelings, our hearts and our souls? Who then is the most oppressed sex – women or men?

I recently had an interesting experience with the men on my football team. During a practice game, one of the players – one of the team’s toughest and most masculine guys – suddenly stopped playing, turned pale and clutched his chest and ran down to the locker room while we all watched. To my great surprise, the other players just started playing again but I ran after him to see what was going on. The guy was stretched out on the floor, looking very frightened. When I asked him what was going on, he said he was having an anxiety attack – something that apparently happened to him now and again. After I’d sat with him for a while and talked to him a bit and tried to get him to breathe deeply – I went back to the other guys. I asked them if this had happened before (I was the new man on the team) and they said, “oh yeah, he sometimes has heart palpitations”. But none of them would really look me in the eye or talk about it. It was obvious that they thought it was embarrassing – not for them but for him! Because anxiety attacks (as the big man himself had just said) are something only little old ladies have!

This and many other similar experiences with the men in my life has made me realize that even if women are the most oppressed sex in the outer world, men are definitely the most oppressed sex when it comes to our inner lives. In fact, even in our so-called progressive society today it is more or less totally taboo for a man to have an inner life, for a man to have feelings – and God forbid – for a man to feel bad! And maybe most dangerous of all – for a man to talk to other men about it! We men have grown up with the most insane beliefs about what it means to be a “real” man. For example:

A real man doesn’t cry.

A real man doesn’t show his feelings.

It is a sign of failure if a real man feels bad.

A real man should be big and strong.

A real man shouldn’t be weak and vulnerable.

It’s a man’s job to take care of the woman.

And on and on in an endless inner man’s hell.

It’s clear that we men ourselves – as in the case of my football friends above – bear much of the responsibility for what’s going on. But I have also observed that YOU WOMEN really and truly don’t make it easy for us men either. Think about it dear women. When you’re a man, almost everywhere you look you hear that women want men with broad shoulders, well-developed arms, that rugged he-man look and those masculine moves – someone who can take care of you and make you feel safe. You women don’t want a man who sits and cries and feels bad. Yes, I know that many of you will now protest and say it’s not true – we do want a sensitive man, a man with an inner life. But when I talk about a real man, a sensitive man with an inner life, I don’t mean a man who can offer you 12 hours of non-stop romantic tantra sex by candlelight after he has mindfully done the dishes and read Eckhart Tolle goodnight stories for the kids. No I’m talking about a real man and the way he also really feels inside – like a scared little boy who is just like you scared little girls who are trying to find out what this thing called life is all about. A man who feels insecure and often doesn’t know what to do or how to live life. A man who feels pressure from all sides, and from inside too. A man who has to fight years of indoctrination about what it means to be a man. A man who might just feel like giving up and dropping out. A man who might just sit and cry for hours if he was really allowed to – and if he allowed himself to. And maybe cry again the next day. And the next week. And the next year. For that’s how we men really feel inside sometimes, underneath all our tough disguises. We feel just like you do dear women. Is this the kind of man you really want dear women when you say you want a real man with an inner life? Do you really dare? Can you embrace and contain all this? Can you embrace and contain yourselves?

This is why I say that men are definitely the most oppressed sex. I really think it’s time for a men’s revolution. Anyone want to join me?

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3 ways to cultivate love in your life (and in your relationship)

Everyone’s always talking about love! We’re all seeking love and we all use enormous amounts of time and energy trying to “get” and experience love. Love, love – and more love.

But what is love? What is this thing called love which we all are seeking day and night – and which we seek most of all in our relationships? And how can we experience the love that we seek?

As I’ve been saying in this book, in reality love is not something that is outside of us. Love is something that’s inside of us because love is what we are – love is our nature – the nature of everything. And as I also write, the only thing that is preventing us from experiencing our true love nature are the many thoughts and beliefs we have that have absolutely nothing to do with reality – thoughts which contradict the nature of love. And on the previous pages of this book, I have tried to describe how you can identify and investigate these limiting thoughts and beliefs.

So what happens when you question your limiting thoughts and stories – what happens when you question all your “I shoulds” and “I shouldn’ts”? Especially when it comes to your relationship and your partner? Well when you do this, you actually experience much more love. You experience the love which has been there all the time, the love which is your true nature – but which has been covered and veiled by your own confused thinking.

What you focus your attention on grows
In addition to questioning all the thoughts that are preventing you from experiencing the love that you seek, there is another approach you can use to experience more love in your life (and in your relationship). This approach or technique – which I call cultivating love – is based on understanding another fundamental observation of the nature of mind which I describe in the Introduction.

There is a cause and effect relationship between your thinking and your experience. Thought is cause, experience is effect.

Another way of formulating this observation is to say that what you focus your attention on grows. We all know that if we plant strawberry seeds in the ground and then cultivate them with good earth, water and sunshine, we will eventually get strawberry plants, which will in time become even more strawberry plants until we have a whole field of strawberries (strawberry fields forever!).

The same principle holds true for our thoughts, our feelings and our experience of this thing called life. What you focus your attention on grows. In practice this means that if you want to experience something in life, it is a good idea to focus your attention on it. Because what you focus your attention on grows.

If you want to be more fully present in the now and not always so absorbed in the past or the future, then it’s a good idea to focus on what is happening right now, right this moment wherever you are, sitting with this book in your hand, in this chair, with the floor underneath your feet and the air flowing in and out of your lungs… and not on your plans for tomorrow or your worries about the future.

And if you want to experience more wealth in your life, it is a good idea to focus on all the richness and support you already have in your life right now – on all the food in your refrigerator, all the clothes in your closet, all the good friends you have to talk to, all the sunshine, the beautiful starry sky, the rain and the trees… because what you focus your attention on grows.

The same holds true for love. If you want to experience more love in your life and in your relationship, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on love. To dwell on the idea of love and to let your thoughts, words and actions express love. Because what you focus your attention on grows – just as the plants in your garden grow when they get plenty of sun and rain.

Cultivating love
So how do you focus on love? How do you cultivate more love in your thinking and in your life? And not least – how do you cultivate more love in your relationships (since this is a book about relationships)?

On the following pages, I describe three good ways to focus on love and experience more love – and I call this cultivating love.

1. Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness

2. Cultivating support

3. Cultivating understanding

Love is greater than a relationship
When you read about the three ways to cultivate love that I suggest, your first reaction might be – well what does this have to do with being a couple?

And the answer is they have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to do with being a couple!

They have nothing to do with couple relationships because love is something far greater and far more all-encompassing than the passing form of a relationship. Because love is our nature, because love is everything, love is reality, love is you and me and everything that lives and breathes – love is every form, every relationship, every grain of sand, every galaxy in all of eternity. Love is God. And the temporary joining together of two human beings that we call a relationship is just one of love’s many infinite forms.

And they have everything to do with couple relationships because love includes everything and everyone, and includes every relationship. So the more we focus on and dwell on the nature of love, the more we will experience love in all areas of our lives – including in our couple relationships (and also in your single life if you happen to be single).

True love has no boundaries
As you begin to regularly cultivate love in your life as described on the following pages, you will begin to experience more love in all your relationships, including your relationship to your partner – and not least in your relationship to yourself. Because it’s not possible to cultivate more love in your relationship with your partner without it at the same influencing your relationships with all the other people in your life. Nor is it possible to cultivate more love towards other people without it influencing the love you feel in your relationship with your partner. For true love – real, authentic love – is unconditional and unlimited (and has nothing to do with our 101 myths about love and relationships). Real love has no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts”. Real love has no expectations, no demands and no limits.

Here are my three ways:

1) Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness

To cultivate a greater experience of love in your life, it is a good idea to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness.

What is acceptance and big-heartedness? Well they are both words which describe a total acceptance of that which is – right here and now. Acceptance and big-heartedness mean no resistance. They mean that there is room enough, space enough for everything – for all of it – whatever it is.

Why is it a good idea to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness if you want to experience more love in your life?

Because life or reality has room enough for everything. Life or reality contains and allows everything. There is room enough for everything and everyone in life. Regardless of who you are or how you feel, life embraces you. Life does not reject anyone. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, if you’re young or old, fat or thin, rich or poor, sick or healthy, beautiful or ugly, trendy or behind the times, famous or unknown – there is room for you in life because life embraces everyone and everything. It doesn’t matter if you are confused or clear, conscious or unconscious, happy or unhappy – there is room enough for every thought and feeling no matter what it is. Life embraces and accepts everything. Life never suddenly says, “Hey you over there, you’re not allowed to think or feel like you do. You’re not allowed to weigh so much! You’re not allowed to look like you look. You’re not allowed to feel bad. No, no, no! Shame on you!” No, life doesn’t do that – ever. Life has room enough for everyone and everything. There are no limits to how much life can contain. Life contains both the sinner and the saint – the most confused and the most enlightened. Life is unlimited and unconditional acceptance, unlimited and unconditional love.

One of the reasons why we human beings don’t experience the love that we seek is that our “love” is usually not so accepting or unconditional as life’s. We usually say to our partners, our families, our friends and even to ourselves – “I will only love you if…” “I will only love you if you do what I want you to do.” “I will only love you if you agree with me.” “I will only love you if you live up to my expectations and ideas.” “I will only love you if… and so on and so forth.” And this conditional “love” (which isn’t really love at all) closes us down so that we do not experience real love in our lives. When our minds close, so do our hearts.

That is why one of the ways to cultivate love in your life is to cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness.

Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness towards your partner
How would you feel if you were just as accepting and big-hearted towards your partner as life is? How would you feel if you could see, really see, that your partner is just the way he or she is right now? That your partner does what he does, says what he says, and he is precisely the way he is whether you think he should be like that or not. How would you feel if you could see, really see, that your partner just understands or doesn’t understand what he or she understands right now – and not one bit more or less? How would you feel if you realized that your partner is interested or not interested in exactly what he or she is interested in? And how would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that your partner should be different than he or she is right now? What would happen if you just completely stopped trying to change your partner?

Cultivating acceptance and big-heartedness towards yourself
And what about being more accepting and big-hearted towards yourself? How would you feel if you were just as accepting and big-hearted towards yourself as life is? If you could see, really see, that you are exactly the way you are right now. If you could see that yes you think what you think, feel what you feel, and want or not want what you want. If you really could see that that is how you are, right now. How would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that you should be different and feel differently than you do right now? If you were just as accepting towards yourself as life is?

Wouldn’t that feel… nice? And loving? Wouldn’t it feel as if your heart was opening more and more… wouldn’t you feel rather big-hearted… both towards yourself and towards your partner?

When you do this and you feel it, you will begin to understand why I say that acceptance and big-heartedness are one of the ways to experience more love in your life. Because life is acceptance and big-heartedness. Because love is acceptance and big-heartedness. And you are too when your thinking and your focus is in harmony with reality – in harmony with the way things really are.

Beware: Love misunderstood
When you start to really notice that life accepts your partner exactly as he or she is at the moment and you begin to accept that your partner is the way he or she is – does this mean that you can’t be assertive and set limits and say no to your partner? Does this mean that you always have to do what your partner asks? Does this mean that you can’t ask your partner for what you want or suggest other ways of doing things?

No, absolutely not! And why should it? If you take a closer look, you will see that such thoughts are an absurd misunderstanding of the nature of love and acceptance. When you think about it… what do these two things – the accepting nature of love and your saying yes or no – have to do with each other? Remember love embraces everything, including your yes and your no! Love includes everything you agree to as well as everything you don’t agree to. Love includes both what you want and what your partner wants. Both the things you agree on and the things you don’t agree on, your opinion and your partner’s. And love/life also has room enough for both of you whether you stay together or go your separate ways!

So please beware! And make sure that as you cultivate acceptance and big-heartedness towards your partner, it doesn’t become what I call “love misunderstood”. Make sure you don’t mistakenly believe that acceptance and big-heartedness means you should become a “doormat” and not set limits or say no or take good care of yourself. Not setting limits has nothing whatsoever to do with love and acceptance! Look at it this way, if you don’t take good care of yourself, if you don’t set limits and say no and do what feels right for you – is that love? Love for whom?

And who knows, maybe a no to your partner is also the best thing that can happen to your partner even if your partner doesn’t see it like this. Your no might be a sign that there’s something better waiting for your partner out there (even if your partner doesn’t believe it). Who knows, perhaps your partner can ask someone else, someone who is more able to give your partner what your partner wants than you are. Or maybe your partner can figure out how to give himself/herself whatever it is he or she wants.

And if your partner is unhappy because you say no thanks to something, yes well then you can also practice accepting the fact that your partner is unhappy!

So please remember that:

Love is also saying no to your partner.
Love is also setting limits.
Love is also taking good care of yourself.
Love is also asking your partner for what you want.
Love is also not agreeing.
Love is also wanting different things.
Love is also going your own way (if a relationship no longer feels right).

2) Cultivating support

Another good way to feel and experience more love in your life is to notice how everything in life is supporting you. To notice that the nature of life is to support everything. Always and without exception. Unconditional support.

Try to notice all the things that are supporting you right now, right this moment while you are sitting here, reading this book. The chair you are sitting in or the sofa you are lying on are supporting you. The floor and the earth underneath your feet are supporting you. Gravity, the earth that holds you to its breast and makes sure you don’t just float away into space, is supporting you. The air around you and in you is supporting you. The clothes on your body are supporting you and keeping you warm. Your body is supporting you all the time. The air that is streaming in and out of your body, all by itself, whether you notice it or not. Your heart that is beating and pumping blood around in your veins. The skin which is keeping your body together. Yes, everything is supporting you. If you really think about it, you won’t in fact be able to find anything in life which you can say for sure is not supporting you in one way or another. Because the nature of life is that it supports everything and everyone. And this support is love.

And it’s not just the many different things in your life that are supporting you, it’s also the many different people in your life who are supporting you and are contributing to your life in one way or another. Think about it for a moment. The check-out lady in the supermarket who helps you buy food so you can eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. The postman who comes with your letters and packages. The man or woman who cuts your hair. The dentist who takes care of your teeth. The many people who helped build the house or building where you live. Your colleagues at work who support you in doing as good a job as you possibly can so you can also support other people with what you are doing! And what about your mother and father and your family and friends who are all supporting you and wishing you the very best in life (even if they sometimes have other ideas about what is best for you!). So think about it and when you do, I am quite certain you won’t be able to find a single person who you can say with absolutely certainty isn’t supporting you or contributing to your life in one way or the other.

So this is a good exercise if you want to experience more love in your life. I highly recommend you regularly use 5-10 minutes and just sit with your eyes closed and notice all the things in life that are supporting you right now – just as I described above. This is a wonderful meditation which can really open your heart and your mind for all the love that is in you and around you all the time!

Your nature is also support
And if you take the time to notice, you will also discover that your nature is also to support everything else in life too. That’s what you are here for. If you are a baker, well then you are supporting the rest of life by baking bread and rolls and cakes for other people. If you work in a bank then you are supporting life by managing people’s money for them. And if you are a parent, well then you are supporting your children by taking care of them and teaching them how to manage in life. And when you pay your taxes, you are supporting your society and your country and all the other people who live in it. And when you spend time with your friends you are supporting them with your presence and your friendship and your support. So yes, your nature is to support everything here in life too. Now isn’t that a wonderful thing to think about! Everything is love and you are love!

Serving your fellow men and women
Another good way to cultivate love in the form of support is to ask yourself regularly, “How can I serve?” “How can I best help my fellow human beings?” “How can I contribute to the Highest Good in this situation?” And then listen to the answers or impulses that arise and follow them. This is love in action. So be love in action.

When you do this exercise, you can ask how you can help in a general way – and you can also ask how you can help (and provide support) in specific situations and to specific individuals.

Giving
Giving is another good way to cultivate love in the form of support in your life. This is because the nature of life is to give. Just think of what life is giving you all the time without ever asking for anything in return. The sun that is warming your body, the air you are breathing, all the gifts of nature, the earth you are walking upon, the rain that is falling, everything that is giving of itself all the time without ever asking for anything in return.

So another good way to cultivate more love in your life is to give without asking for anything in return. This is a good exercise because as you have probably noticed, we often give with the expectation that we are going to get something in return. Of course this is not really giving, but rather a form of barter or exchange. So try instead to give regularly to others without asking for anything in return.

And even better – try once in a while to give something to someone or do something for someone without them discovering that you were the giver! Again because we usually hope that when we give something to someone, they will realize it was us and at least recognize our gift and maybe even tell us how good we are!

Yes, so try giving – it never fails to make you (and other people) happy!

Cultivating support in your relationship
A good way to cultivate more support in your relationship is to focus on giving your partner whatever it is you would like to have your partner give you! If, for example, you want your partner to give you more attention, well then give your partner more attention! Ask your partner what he wants and then give it to him (also if he just wants to be left alone!). Be the partner you are seeking. Give whatever you want to receive in your relationship.

You can also cultivate support for yourself in your own life by giving yourself whatever it is you really want your partner to give you! If, for example, you want your partner to pay more attention to you – well then you do it! You give yourself more attention. You don’t really need to wait for your partner to give you what you want because you can just do it yourself. (And just think, if you are going to wait for your partner to give you something, you might have to wait forever!) But you – you can do it right now. You can give yourself the attention you want, right now and every single minute of your life. You can work on understanding and appreciating and enjoying yourself more, right now. This, in fact, is your job. Nobody else can do it for you. And nobody else can take it from you.
Which is pretty good news. You can do it for yourself! So why wait for your partner? (And this doesn’t mean you can’t ask your partner for what you want. But after you have asked, there’s nothing more you can do in terms of your partner. What your partner gives or doesn’t give you is your partner’s business and is out of your control.)

So regardless of what happens, the best you can do is be the partner you are dreaming of – both towards your partner and towards yourself. Give whatever you wish to receive in your relationship.

3) Cultivating understanding

A third good way to cultivate love in your life is to cultivate understanding.

Why understanding?

Because we human beings often close our minds and our hearts to the things and people we don’t understand. We often have a hard time embracing or accepting what we don’t understand. In the terrible old days when I didn’t understand the connection between my thinking and my experiences in life, I often just closed down. I closed down because I simply didn’t understand the complicated network of thoughts and beliefs that were behind the many ways in which I was making myself unhappy. So I closed my heart and condemned and rejected either myself or other people. And this definitely wasn’t love. And it wasn’t acceptance or support either.

Now I see that the opposite is also true. I can see that as my understanding of myself grows and my understanding of the relationship between my thinking and my experience grows – I am also better able to open up and love and accept myself and other people.  The more I understand how my own confusion and crazy thinking was driving me crazy, the better I am able to embrace and tolerate not just myself, but other people as well. And this feels good, it feels like love.

Understanding the anatomy of a human being
When we understand what a human being really is and the way our minds work, then our hearts and minds really do open and love flows! It is something that happens automatically when we understand that we are all basically 100% the same. That we all want the same things (happiness and the end of suffering). That we all suffer for the same reason – because our thinking is out of harmony with reality. That none of us wants to hurt ourselves or other people, but that in our childish innocence we do hurt ourselves and each other, over and over again. When we understand all this and the thousands of ways we constantly make ourselves unhappy, then we are starting to understand the anatomy of a human being. And this understanding is a way of cultivating love in our lives. Because this understanding makes your heart open and brings compassion – and love. Both for oneself and for others. When you finally see that you are just a confused, innocent child that is always trying to do the best you can – and that everyone else is also just as innocent and confused and trying their best – well how can you possibly reject anyone or yourself?

Open mind, open heart
People often say it’s important to have an open heart. But as long as your mind and your thinking are closed, so long as you don’t understand yourself or others, so long as you don’t understand the anatomy of a human being, how can you have an open heart? It’s just not possible. Because the mind (your thinking) is the cause and your experience (whether your heart is open or closed) is the effect (the result of your thinking). So closed mind = closed heart. Open mind = open heart. It’s as simple as that. And one of the best ways you can open your mind and your heart is to work on understanding how we human beings get to be the way we are. Nothing is more important than this!

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