Are relationships the work of the Devil?
by Tim Ray

Once upon a time many thousands of years ago, the Devil Himself was sitting in his boiling hot company headquarters in Hell, looking at his mission statement, which was hanging on the wall in big flaming red letters at the other end of his office. It read: “To make as many people as possible as unhappy as possible for as long as possible.”

The Devil was actually a bit depressed because he felt that it really wasn’t going very well with the Devil & Co.’s mission at the moment. Despite his persistent efforts, people all around the world were really very happy and satisfied. People were just loafing around loving themselves and each other and feeling really quite good about everything.

So the Devil knew that he had to do something drastic if he was going to avoid being transferred, degraded – or worse – fired. He would have to come up with something that would really and truly kick ass and make people desperately unhappy.

And that was when he suddenly got the most brilliant idea! An idea that would – without a shadow of a doubt – really make his mission and vision of making as many people as possible as unhappy as possible for as long as possible – a reality: RELATIONSHIPS!

Yes! Of course, that was it! The Devil could already see it. Relationships – the direct route to Hell! One big lie – or a series of lies – that were so big and convincing that they would start making people desperately unhappy right from childhood…

The Devil started frantically writing his plan down:

The Devil’s no. 1 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is outside of myself.
Woohoo! It’s brilliant! Brilliant thought the Devil as he hopped up and down enthusiastically on his flaming red throne. If I can just get enough people to believe that the love they seek is outside themselves… it will be truly awesome. So awesome that the Devil & Co. will probably end up being listed on the New York Stock Exchange!

Brilliant. Now that the basic concept was in place, it was time to add a little more pain… he he he.

The Devil’s no. 2 lie about relationships:
The love that I seek is dependent on another person.
Woohoo again! This is good, really, really good thought the Devil, surprised by his own brilliance. I’m really something… yes I really am! Amazing… And here’s another one…!

The Devil’s no. 3 lie about relationships:
I can only experience the love that I seek with one single person.
Even more brilliant! Sometimes I just surprise myself. He could see the Devil & Co.’s worldwide advertising campaign supported by Internet banners in every language proclaiming things like “The One and Only”, “The Love of Your Life”, “True Romance”… brilliant, brilliant. This is just brilliant. The Devil could feel the confusion, the overwhelming longing, the terrible misery and loneliness all the way down to his fifteen big toes. Millions and millions of people around the world who actually believe that they could only experience the love they seek with one specific person – without ever quite knowing who this one specific person is.  And if one was actually lucky enough to find this person; there was no guarantee that this person would love you back. And no guarantee that he or she wasn’t already in another relationship. Yes brilliant! Just brilliant. If the Devil could get people to believe this, it would be the end of all that suffocating touchy-feely lovey-dovey stuff that was flourishing on earth at the moment. It would be the end of all those happy people who just love everything and everyone…

And last but not least…

The Devil’s no. 4 lie about relationships:
It’s only love if the relationship lasts forever.
Yes! That’s good – that’s got to hurt! With this lie, the Devil could be sure that people would stay unhappy no matter what. If they weren’t in a relationship, they’d be unhappy because they’d believe that the love that they seek was outside of themselves. And if they were in a relationship where the partners drifted apart, well this devilish lie – (that it was only love if the relationship lasted forever) – would keep them in the relationship no matter what. And the few who actually were brave enough to separate, well they would always look back at the relationship and feel it was one big failure.

Hmmmm….The Devil was aware that this last lie was pretty far out and that it would be pretty difficult to get people to believe it. So he figured he’d add a little extra lie to back this one up. He decided he’d spread the word that it was God Himself – the Top Dog – who proclaimed this lie to be the God’s honest Truth. The Devil would make sure that all religions in the world taught that a relationship was only genuine and real if the two partners took a solemn oath that they would love each other and stay together forever – no matter what happened!

Ha ha ha – am I brilliant or what? The Devil just couldn’t stop slapping his thighs with pure devilish joy.

Okay – so far so good. Now it was time for action – and not just a little action. No, no, no. The Devil knew that if he was going to sell such a colossal pack of lies to humanity, he’d really have to roll out the heaviest possible brain washing campaign. So he called in all his sales and marketing and branding departments and worked day and night developing a campaign that would make even the most incredible lies about racism, nationalism, sexism, age-ism and materialism fade in comparison. The Devil’s campaign would be a mega-giga-super-duper advertising campaign about “The One and Only” backed by a million trillion pop songs and music videos and TV series and movies and women’s magazines and books and novels, all backed by the fashion and cosmetic industries – all of whom would broadcast non-stop day and night and in unison the Devil’s lies about relationships….

I wonder how the Devil’s brilliant plan turned out…?

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Women’s magazines are the world’s biggest promoters of relationship myths
by Tim Ray

One of the funniest and most entertaining things I know of (or tragic, depending on how you look at it) is reading the relationship advice in women’s magazines. Because most of them are based on truckloads of myths about relationships that really don’t have anything to do with reality. Try reading this priceless article below about relationships with a big age difference from the Danish women’s magazine “Woman”.  Every time there is something is italics and parentheses, it’s me pointing out that whatever was just said is based on some delusion when it comes to relationships, a delusion that doesn’t have anything to do with reality. 

Here’s the article:

Grave robber or cradle robber
Woman gives good advice on relationships with a big age difference
by Signe Lønholdt

Live in the present, but think about the future (Is it true? Does it really lead to happiness to think about the future, which is just a thought that doesn’t have anything to do with reality?) Many couples with a big age difference live in the present and don’t consider how things will be in the future (Is this true? I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t think about how things are going to be in the future!) Perhaps it’s frightening to think 10 years ahead. One of the partners in the relationship will be old while the other will still be relatively young. On the other hand, the age difference means less as you become older. A 20-year-old woman and a 35-year-old man will probably have less in common than a 50-year-old woman and a 65-year-old man. (Is this true?)

Because one’s personality really changes a lot when you’re in your 20s and 30s (Is this true? In my experience, the thoughts and beliefs that make up our personalities are formed during our early childhood and then don’t really change much unless one learns to question one’s thinking.) you could wake up one morning and find that you’ve outgrown the person you loved so much. That is why it’s especially important for people with a big age difference to talk to each other about the changes they are experiencing all the time (Why is it more important than for a couple where the age difference isn’t so big? Is it true that people of different ages are different?)

People in their 30s, 40s and 50s are much more active and in much better shape than the same age groups just 10 years ago so a few years plus or minus don’t really matter psychologically (Here the journalist contradicts herself. She just said that a few years plus or minus really mean a lot psychologically.) In today’s Denmark, it may not mean so much that there is a big age difference (Is it true? Then why is she writing an article about relationships with a big age difference?) – getting a relationship to work may be more important. The most important thing is that the two people have something in common because if you want to go to town and party and he wants to play golf you will probably drift apart as time passes (Is this true? Can’t you have a good relationship even if you have different interests? Can you only have a good relationship if you do everything or almost everything together? And is there anything wrong with drifting apart as time passes? Is a relationship only a success and valuable if it lasts a long time or until death parts the partners? Is a long, unhappy relationship better than a short, happy one?) Of course it is important for each party to have their own interests (Is it true?) and it’s important that you both have your own friends your own age or with the same interests (Is it true? Why is it important to have friends your own age? Isn’t it just as good to have a friend who’s not the same age as you? What does age have to do with friendship – or with anything for that matter? Also is it true that people of different ages are different?) but make sure you have something in common – if nothing else at least your relationship.

Not too long ago the media revealed that the not-so-young Helena Christensen had her claws in 10-years-younger Josh Hartnett (Is that true? Did she contact him or did he contact her? Did she chase him or did he chase her?) and they’re not the only couple in Hollywood with a big age difference. In fact it’s almost become a sport to find a boyfriend/girlfriend who is either a lot older or a lot younger than oneself (Is it true?) and maybe you are one of the people who’s following the trend (Is it true? And if you are in a relationship where there’s a big age difference, is it because you are following a trend?) Here are a few tips for women who like Sugar Daddies or Boy Toys.

If there is more than five years age difference between you and your partner you can place yourself in the category “Partners with a big age difference”.

Maybe you think that men your own age are too immature and are still running around making jokes, so you’d rather have a more experienced and serious man. Or maybe you find men your own age way too serious and too focused on their careers – they forget to play and be impulsive so you would rather have a man who is much younger and freer.

But be sure what your motives are before you start the relationship (How can you do that? How can you become more conscious of what your motives are – and if that’s so important, why doesn’t she say anything about this in this article?) – is it because you want to be a mother for him or is it because he is the father figure you always missed. Is he a young trophy or a stable economic support? If you choose him for the wrong reasons (Is it “wrong” to choose a partner because you’re attracted to his/her physical appearance or his/her money? What then are the “right” reasons?) the relationship will be difficult because things can suddenly change – and he won’t need a mother anymore or the money can disappear.

The rest of the family
The reaction of your friends and family may not be so positive the first time you tell them that your new partner is 10 years younger or older than you are. If he is older, they might not understand what you see in him – and if he is younger, they will be betting that he will leave you when you get older. But it’s because they want the best for you, so listen to what they say (Why? Is it true that what you friends and family say is true? Have your friends and family learned to see the difference between reality and their thoughts?) and maybe they will say something wise that you can use. And if they don’t, well just let their words go in one ear and out the other and be happy that you’ve found the man in your life.

In any case, it’s important to have friends (It’s important for my happiness to have friends – is that true?) so even if they don’t take the news so nicely at first, try to get them to understand (I can get my friends to understand something they don’t understand – is that true?) that you and your new partner really are good for each other despite the big age difference. It can in fact be difficult for you and your new love to find friends who are in the same boat as you and it’s always nice to have someone you can talk to about life and love, so why not keep your old friends?

___

Marvelous right??? High level comedy…. right!

If this is where women get their information about relationships, it’s no wonder most women are more or less confused, frustrated and unhappy when it comes to relationships (whether they’re single, lovers, married, divorced or whatever). And if their partners also buy these myths, is it any wonder that our relationships are a battlefield of unhappiness, confusion, anger, jealousy, insecurity, stress, unfulfilled expectations and performance anxiety?

You can do better than this dear women’s magazines!

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Can a relationship only work if you compromise?
by Tim Ray

One of the myths you often meet in today’s relationship jungle is the myth that a relationship can only work if you compromise. In other words, a relationship can only function if one or both partners sometimes do something their partner wants even if he or she really doesn’t want to do it in their heart of hearts.

But is this really true? What would happen if both partners in a relationship just did what they really wanted to do – in their heart of hearts? I think the answer is pretty obvious…  You’d have a relationship in which each partner was only doing what he or she really feels like doing.

I don’t know about you, but I think this sounds like a very harmonious and peaceful way to be in a relationship!

“But,” you might ask, “what if this means there are only a few things both partners feel like doing together?”

Well what if? What if there are only a few things that both people really feel like doing together – what’s wrong with that?

Which leads us directly to another good old myth about relationships – the one that says the value of a relationship depends on how much time two people spend together. In other words, the amount of time and not the quality of the time is the determining factor.

But is this true? Is it better to be in a relationship where you spend a lot of semi-bad time together (because one or both parties are doing things they really don’t want to do) than being in a relationship where you spend a little good-quality time together (because both parties are following their hearts and doing what feels right for them)?

Go inside and see how this feels to you.

In fact, my experience is that one of the main reasons why so many relationships don’t work and why there is so much confusion and unhappiness in many relationships (and why so many relationships end) is that one or both partners are compromising and not following their heart’s desire.

What about you? Do you sometimes compromise in your relationship? Do you sometimes do things you don’t really want to do – in your heart of hearts? And if the answer is yes – well why? Why do you do it? And what are you afraid of? What do you believe will happen if you don’t compromise? What do you believe will happen if you don’t do things you don’t want to do?

Or do you just go along and do things (in other words sometimes compromise) because you believe in the myth that a relationship can only work if you compromise? How would you be – and how would you feel and act – if you no longer believed in this myth? Would your relationship in reality start to work much better without this belief?

Another thing that really adds fuel to the myth about relationships and compromise is the fact that so many of us confuse “compromise” with “transaction” or “agreement”. Let me give you some examples of what I mean.

One of the most common types of “transactions” we all know is the commercial transaction. For example, you want a brand new dark blue Peugeot 107 and it costs DKK 107,000 to have it. The car salesman wants DKK 107,000 and for that “price”, he will give you a brand new, dark blue Peugeot 107. This is a transaction. This is not a compromise. Both parties want something and both parties are willing to pay the price to get it.

Another transaction that we all experience several times in our life is the employee-employer transaction. For example, you want DKK 35,000 a month and the chance to use your talents as a scientist – and the price is that you arrive at work at Novo Nordisk every morning from Monday to Friday at 8.30 am and stay until 4.30 pm and do a certain job. Novo Nordisk wants a scientist to further develop one of their products – and the price they are willing to pay is DKK 35,000 a month. This is a transaction or an agreement. It’s not a compromise. Both parties want something and both are willing to pay the price to get what they want.

Another “transaction” or “agreement” that many of us enter into is the parent-child relationship. For example: You and your partner want to share the joy of having a child. The “price” for this great joy is (approximately) something like for the next 18 years the two of you will take care of this child until the child is able to take care of him/herself (whether or not you stay together as a couple). Again, this is a transaction or an agreement. It’s not a compromise. Both partners want something and both are willing to pay the price to get it. Of course you can try to back out of this “contract”, but as we all know, this is a bit complicated once the baby has arrived. There’s no cancelation right when it comes to children!

But what about relationships? What is the agreement or “transaction” when it comes to relationships? Things are far more tricky when it comes to relationships because in today’s world we no longer have any fixed script or rules for how relationships “should” be.

It wasn’t always like this. Historically speaking it wasn’t that long ago that the relationship-transaction or agreement was something like this – the woman stayed at home and cleaned and cooked and took care of the children and was the man’s lover. The man worked and earned money and managed the country and went to war to defend the country if necessary. It was pretty straightforward way back then. Something for something. And if a woman wasn’t satisfied with this arrangement, well she was either forced into it or excluded from society – or ended up an old maid.

Today it’s no longer like this (at least not in the Western world). Today (at least on paper) there is equality between men and women. Women are free to work and have just as much economic and political freedom as men. Women no longer need men to take care of them economically and politically. And it turns out that men are just as capable of cooking and cleaning and taking care of children and being lovers as women are. So what do we need relationships for? And what is the script for relationships today? Is the relationship script that we have sex every Tuesday and Saturday night and go swimming on Sundays? Or is it that we do everything together (when we’re not at work) unless we agree on something else? Or is it that we don’t have any agreements or obligations at all?

The answer of course is that there isn’t any fixed answer to this question today. Today most relationships – in contrast to many human transactions like commercial and job transactions – are not clearly defined. There are no clear rules as to how a relationship should be at the moment. Today relationships are a completely open arena with no limits – you can do exactly what you want.

But because most of us are not conscious about this – and because most of us still believe that a relationship is a clearly defined transaction with a fixed script – we are often really confused when we are in a relationship. This was my experience in a relationship I was in a few years ago. After the first wild falling-in-love period, my girlfriend and I started to have all kinds of fights and arguments about how much time we should spend together and what we should do when we were together. And I realized that a big part of our difficulty came from the fact that we had very different mental scripts when it came to how relationships “should” be. For example, my girlfriend’s basic premise was that we spent all our time together (our free time) unless we agreed on something else while my basic premise was that we weren’t together unless we agreed to be together. So it’s easy to see how much trouble and misunderstanding this caused. And it wasn’t just in this area that we had problems, we each had a long list of ideas about how a relationship should be in practice and in most cases our lists just didn’t match.

But even more important, we never sat down and talked about our expectations to relationships or agreed on them. And when we finally did, we discovered that we couldn’t agree on almost anything. Our expectations just didn’t match – and so the relationship ended.

I learned from this experience how important it is to sit down and clearly communicate your wishes and desires (as early as possible in a relationship) to each other. In practice this could mean something like:

1. Communicate clearly with yourself first. Find out who you are and what you want and don’t want in a relationship. And know that what you want or don’t want is 100% okay. Whether your idea of the perfect relationship is to have tantric sex blindfolded once a year at the Hilton Hotel or if it’s holding hands non-stop 24 hours a day. You can’t communicate clearly with your partner until you communicate clearly with yourself.

This might sound simple – but in my experience – this can be very difficult for many of us. Not least because we are constantly bombarded with 101 myths about what a “real” relationship is and what you should or shouldn’t want when it comes to one’s life and relationships. So to really be honest with oneself often means spending some time questioning all the myths about relationships. Also because it can be pretty scary and inhibiting to try to find out what you really want and don’t want when it comes to relationships if you are scared to death that what you want is “wrong” or “strange”.

2. Communicate clearly your wishes and desires when it comes to relationships to your partner or potential partner. Be specific and practical. What? How much? When? Where?

Again, this can really be a big challenge for many. But here again, the main reason so many of us find this to be a big challenge is that we believe a lot of thoughts and have a lot of beliefs about what is right and wrong, good and bad – and what one should and shouldn’t want and do when it comes to relationships. So if you are afraid of communicating your desires to your partner – the key again is to ask yourself “why”. And then take a good look at all the reasons why… For example you might believe things like, “It’s not possible to be in a relationship if you’re like that,” or “No man or woman would be interested in having a relationship like that” or “I should want this or that type of relationship” or “There’s something wrong with me,” and so on.

3. Listen to your partner’s wishes and desires when it comes to relationships.

And then believe what your partner or potential partner says! Don’t fool yourself and think “He/she doesn’t really mean that”, or “He/she will change with time”, or “It’s just a phase he/she’s going through”, or one of the many other insane stories we tell ourselves about the other person instead of living in harmony with reality and accepting that the person in front of us is precisely 100% like he or she is and will probably NEVER change. Who would you be if you couldn’t believe the thought that your partner will change? It’s a pretty amazing thought isn’t it! So yes believe what your partner tells you! This is what I call a reality check!

4. See if there are any areas where your wishes and desires match. If there are, well then maybe there really is a good basis for some kind of relationship between the two of you. But if there isn’t, if the reality is that your wishes and expectations are very different – then it’s probably a good idea to look for a more compatible partner!

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Children are the ultimate toy
by Tim Ray

I always think it’s quite funny when one of my friends or acquaintances says that people who have children are less selfish than people who don’t have kids.  And of course I realize that once you’ve got a bunch of kids running around your house, you might find that you have very little time to think about yourself. But I also ask myself when my dear friends made the decision to have kids in the first place – who were they trying to make happy? Was it some lost sperm cell out in the universe or what?

Up until a few generations ago, people got kids for more or less three reasons:

1. They didn’t have a choice. Since there wasn’t any prevention, sex meant having children.
2. People needed young, strong hands to help on the farm or in the family business. It was a question of survival.
3. Humankind (your tribe or city or nation) needed children to ensure the survival of your tribe or race.

But today things are different. When was the last time one of your friends gave you one of the following reasons when you asked them why they have kids?

1. Because they grew up alone in a cave in northern Norway without any contact with the rest of the world and with no sexual education – so they didn’t know there was such a thing as prevention!
2. Because in 15-20 years time, they are going to need someone to help them with their job as a biochemist at Novo Nordisk or help them wait on customers in their clothes shop or because they don’t think their pension plan will be good enough in 30-40 years?
3. Because they read an article in the Danish newspaper Berlingske Tidende about the Family Minister Carina Christensen encouraging all Danes to have at least 3 children because otherwise the Danish society would simply disappear in the near future. (A rather absurd appeal when you consider that when asked why she herself didn’t have children, our dear 34-year-old minister answered brightly that it was because she didn’t have time because of her busy career!)

No, I guess you never heard one of your friends say anything like any of this either!

Which brings us to the God’s honest truth that – (obviously) there’s just one reason why people today have kids – and that’s to please themselves!

So when the first heat of romance and hot sex and the many urgent text messages and the dream of a new house and the designer furniture and the engagement and even the wedding are no longer so exciting, quite a few people start looking for their next joint project. For the next thing to excite and entertain them now and in the future – and that’s when the brilliant idea pops up – CHILDREN – the ultimate toy!

And of course, this is not to say that children are not absolutely one of the most wonderful things in life – but let’s be honest please about why we choose to have them!

In short, every choice we make in life has a price and a consequence, but let’s be perfectly clear that the motivation or the reason why we made a choice in the first place is always – and I mean always – to make ourselves happy! And this includes everyone and everything.

Even the most pious saint in the world - like Mother Teresa – why did she do what she did? Because she thought that was the way to happiness for her!

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10 reality checks for staying conscious in a relationship
by Tim Ray

“Fun??” she says and continues, “Having fun right now is not good enough for me. I want to know that we have a future together, that our relationship has potential. I don’t want to wake up in a few years and find that I wasted the best years of my life on something that wasn’t going anywhere…”

Does this sound familiar? Have you said something like this to your partner or ex-partner? Or have you heard something like this from one of your partners? I know I sure have, more than once. The first time it was me who made a declaration like this (that was in the start of my relationship career). But for the last years, I’ve been on the receiving end of quite a few declarations like this from my ex-girlfriends.

And every time I’ve believed something like the thoughts above (whether I was giving or receiving them) it was enormously stressful and unpleasant. And no wonder because when you think about it, such thoughts and expectations have nothing to do with reality. They’re all based on our stories about how we think relationships “should” be – and not on how relationships really are.

That made me think there must be a more sensible and healthy way to be in a relationship – a way that is more in harmony with how relationships really are. So I tried to write down what I call “reality checks” or 10 ways of staying conscious in a relationship. Here they are:

1) I can't make you happy (that's your job).
2) I can't make you unhappy (that's also your job).
3) I can't give you anything you don't already have.
4) I can't save you from your life.
5) We have no future together (only this moment).
6) I can't promise you anything except that I can't promise you anything.
7) I will be faithful until I'm not faithful anymore.
8) I want you to do exactly what you're doing (because you'll do exactly what you're doing anyway).
9) No matter how hard you try, I'm never going to change. What you see is what you get.
10) I love you - and that doesn't mean that I'll do what you want me to do.

If you are in doubt as to whether these 10 statements are in harmony with reality or not, you can quickly test each of the 10 statements by turning each statement around to its complete opposite. Then ask yourself how you feel when you believe the opposite and let your life be run by it. Here’s how the opposites sound:

1) I can make you happy (your happiness is influenced by what I say and do).
2) I can make you unhappy (your happiness – or lack of happiness – is influenced by what I say and do).
3) I can give you something you don't already have (you are not whole and complete as you are).
4) I can save you from your life (from your thoughts, your pain, and whatever you are experiencing).
5) We have a future together (this moment is only a stepping stone on the way to some future goal).
6) I can guarantee that I will do everything I promise (I’m not allowed to change my mind).
7) I can guarantee I will be faithful to you forever (I’m not allowed to feel what I feel).
8) I want you to do what I want you to do (and not what you're doing).
9) If you try hard enough, one day I will change (don’t worry about the way I am now – you will change that with time).
10) If I really love you - I'll do what you want me to do.

How do you react when you believe our collective distorted ideas like these about relationships?

It hurts doesn’t it! It’s very stressful to believe such insane thoughts. And it’s thoughts like these that are the cause of all our relationship problems (and only all of them).

Please note that these 10 points or “reality checks” are 10 ways YOU can stay conscious in your relationship – and not 10 descriptions of a conscious relationship. I make this distinction because there is no such thing as a conscious relationship as far as I can see. And anyway, how many people does it take for you to be conscious in your relationship? Only one – YOU! Whether your partner is conscious or not, well you can’t do anything about that. That’s his or her business. And you will find that any attempt on your part to try to make the other person conscious in your relationship will only make you feel unhappy. Why? Because by trying to do this (it’s impossible anyway), you are going against all of the 10 ways that you can be conscious in a relationship!

10 reality checks for staying conscious in a relationship – Part 2
by Tim Ray

While we’re at it, don’t forget that just as you can’t make your partner happy or unhappy, it’s equally true that your partner can’t make you happy or unhappy. So here are another 10 “reality checks” that can help you stay conscious in a relationship:

1) You can't make me happy (that's my job).
2) You can't make me unhappy (that's also my job).
3) You can't give me anything I don't already have.
4) You can't save me from my life.
5) We have no future together (only this moment).
6) You can't promise me anything except that you can't promise me anything.
7) You will be faithful until you’re not faithful anymore.
8) No matter what you want me to do – I’ll do exactly what I do anyway.
9) No matter how hard I try, you’re never going to change. What I see is what I get.
10) You love me - and that doesn't mean that you'll do what I want you to do.

If you are in doubt as to whether these 10 statements are in harmony with reality or not when it comes to relationships (or any type of relationship for that matter!), once again you can test each of the 10 statements by turning each statement around 180 degrees to its complete opposite and notice how you feel when you believe the opposite. Here’s how the opposites sound:

1) You can make me happy (my happiness is influenced by what you say and do).
2) You can make me unhappy (my happiness – or lack of happiness – is influenced by what you say and do).
3) You can give me something I don't already have (I am not whole and complete as I am).
4) You can save me from my life (from my thoughts, my pain, and whatever I am experiencing).
5) We have a future together (this moment is only a stepping stone on the way to some future goal).
6) You can guarantee that you will do everything you promise (you’re not allowed to change your mind).
7) You can guarantee you will be faithful to me forever (you’re not allowed to feel what you feel).
8) It would be better if I did what you want me to do (and not what I am doing).
9) If I try hard enough, one day you will change (I shouldn’t worry about the way you are now – I will change that with time)
10) If you really love me - you'll do what I want you to do.

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Who would your partner be if you got things your way?
by Tim Ray

Most of us have lots of ideas about how we’d like our partners to be. Ideas about what he or she “should” say or do (or not say or not do) so that we can be happy. Ideas about how they should change or live their lives – ideas about what is right or wrong for them – and so on.

But you’ve maybe noticed that no matter how hard we try, the reality is that our partners seldom follow our orders or do what we want them to do. Our partners just think what they think, say what they say, and do what they do – and they seldom change no matter how hard we try to get them to change.

The other day it struck me that in fact this is really good and very intelligent. Because who would your partner be if you got things your way? Who would your partner be if you – like some kind of God – were allowed to control the Universe and dictate how your partner should think, talk, act and live his/her life? For sure your partner wouldn’t be the person he or she is right now, right? If you think about it, your partner wouldn’t even be a person at all but rather a brain-dead slobbering robot sitting in the corner with saliva dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, waiting for your next command. “Yes master, what is your command master…?”

And if you turn it around… who would you be if your partner got his way when it comes to you? Who would you be if your partner – like some kind of God – could dictate and decide what you should think, say and do? It’s a terrible thought isn’t it? You wouldn’t be yourself any more but more like a vegetable or a tamed animal in a golden cage just sitting there with a chain around your neck and shackles on your feet while you were told what to do. Ugh… what a thought!

And that’s why the fact that we have absolutely no control over each other – no control over our partners or the other people in our lives – is such a good and wonderful thing. God couldn’t have created anything more perfect. And in fact that’s exactly how God did create it!

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We are all like the “monster” from Austria
by Tim Ray

Recently the newspapers have been filled with the story of the elderly Austrian man who kept his grown daughter and her (their!) children imprisoned – in the most calculating way – in his cellar for more than 20 years. The story didn’t just shock the Austrian people but the whole world. We were all stunned by the fact that one human being could so terribly abuse another human being and so calculatingly rob other people of their freedom. And we wonder how could it happen – how could things go so far?

But I think the truth is that we are all more or less just like the “monster” from Austria (as the media calls him) when it comes to our relationships with the people we care about. Think about it. How many times have we ourselves (if not physically then at least verbally and mentally) tried to deprive our partners, our lovers, our husbands/wives, our children and others who are close to us of their freedom? How many times have we tried to deprive them of their freedom and right to live their lives the way they want to by trying to get them to do what we think they “should” do? In the name of love of course – however absurd that may sound. How many times have we tried to get our partner to do something he or she didn’t want to do and then tried to manipulate them down into a mental prison cell by justifying our wishes with “you should” and “if you really loved me you would…” or “remember if you want this relationship to function, you have to compromise” (which is just another way of saying that I want you to do what I want you to do and not what you want to do)? How many times have we put ourselves in the position of “the judge” when it comes to how the people we “love” should live their lives? How many times have we thought we knew what is best for them? And how many times have we then tried to get them to do it – if not by force – then by threats, ultimatums and verbal manipulation and/or by violating their boundaries?

For the truth is when it comes to our close relationships, we are all more or less like the man from Austria we are so disgusted by. The story of the “monster” from Austria and his family is just an extreme expression of the mental delusions we all suffer from. Namely the idea that we know what’s best for others - and that other people should do what we think they should do. And to top it all off, that we have the right to pressure them and manipulate them into doing it!

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Are you fed up with the traditional relationship model?
by Tim Ray

The last few years I’ve noticed that more and more of the singles in my circle of friends (both men and women) often don’t seem to have any particular desire to get a new partner. Quite a few have more or less completely given up the thought that it is at all possible for them to find a partner who they are compatible with.

And I’ve wondered more than once – how can this be? What is the reason that at the moment, I myself and a growing number of other people to a greater or lesser degree don’t really want to be in a relationship? Is it because we really don’t want to be in a relationship? Or is it because when push comes to shove, we are afraid of “making a commitment” or “binding” ourselves (as several of my ex-girlfriends have said to me over the years)? Or is it perhaps just because we haven’t found the “right” person yet?

Or is there a completely other reason? What if our lack of desire to have a regular partner doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting a partner? What if it’s because the traditional relationship model just doesn’t work for us?

When I talk to some of the singles I know who wonder if being in a relationship is really something for them, I’ve discovered something interesting. It seems that the problem for many is not really that they don’t want a partner, but rather that they simply don’t want any of the three variations of the traditional relationships that we have been brainwashed to believe are the only correct way of doing things:

1. A relationship where each person lives on their own
2. A relationship where two people live together
3. A relationship where two people live together and have children

And because most of us believe that there are only two possibilities in life when it comes to relationships – single or one of the three above variations of the traditional model, lots of us are starting to believe and feel that having a relationship might not be the right thing for us.

But what if the above (single or in one of the three relationship models) is not true? What if there are more ways of being in a relationship? What if there are countless creative ways of being in a relationship which you can adjust and adapt so there’s a way that fits exactly the way you are and the way you live your life? A way that meets your wishes and needs? What if there was no limits to how people can live in relationships? For example:

1. We don’t live together and are first and foremost good friends. Sometimes, when we feel like it, we have sex together.
2. Our basic agreement is that we don’t have any fixed agreements about anything and just see each other when we both feel like it (even if this is only once every 14 days).
3. We don’t live together and don’t see each other on weekdays but we live together on weekends.
4. We live together but have two bedrooms so we don’t have to sleep together every night.
5. One partner’s need for companionship is greater than the other’s so we agree that that partner has two or three partners that are together with the partner different days of the week or month.
6. We agree on a time limit for the relationship, for example, we’ll be together for a month or for three months.

And/or any other creative combination that you can think up that two people can agree upon!

Because in reality, a relationship is not some predefined thing but an agreement that two people negotiate and agree upon – just like when you go to a job interview or join in any other type of project. So why not sit down at the table and negotiate with your partner. Set forward your wishes and listen to your partner’s wishes and see if you can’t agree upon something. And remember to do this as early as possible in your relationship! I can see that one of the classic “mistakes” I’ve made is believing that falling in love and a strong attraction is the same as being compatible with someone. And then when the first rush of enchantment begins to fade, we suddenly discover the truth. Oops… that yes, even if we are really attracted to each other, we just don’t want the same things when it comes to having a relationship!

So maybe – if you have wondered if having a relationship was something for you – you should take a new look at the concept of relationships. Maybe it’s not that relationships are not for you, but that the traditional relationship models are just too limiting! I know that next time I’m going to think about being in a relationship (if and when that happens again), I’m going to start by finding out which of the many creative models I want to enjoy – and obviously see if I can find someone (if that’s possible) who would like to join me in giving it a try!

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Are you a big city monk or nun?
by Tim Ray

Many thanks to all the readers who have commented on my last article – “Are you fed up with the traditional relationship model?” It’s a great relief isn’t it, to discover that in reality there are unlimited possibilities when it comes to the ways relationships can be!

The last couple of days, I have been thinking about another important factor when it comes to relationships – namely the historical perspective. Until very recently, we humans were generally presented with two basic options when it comes to relationships. The one was the traditional relationship model where couples lived together and had children, i.e., the family model. The other one was when a person had strong spiritual longings; he or she could become a monk or a nun, live in celibacy, and become part of a spiritual community and live in a cloister or temple.

But today it seems as if the boundaries between these two very different ways of living are fading. Today it’s no longer necessary to become a monk or a nun and live in celibacy in a cloister if you have strong spiritual longings and want to dedicate a good part of your life to this exploration. At the same time thanks to things like prevention and women’s growing economic and political freedom, it’s also possible to be in a relationship without it necessarily leading to having children, a family and a joint home and economy.

As a result, new ways of living and being in relationships are arising – among others what I call being a big city monk or nun and still having relationships. And by this I mean, a person can dedicate a great deal of his/her time to inner work and the exploration of the nature of reality without having to live in celibacy or in a cloister. In other words, today it’s possible for people to be in relationships without their relationships being the traditional model with children, living together, and spending a lot of time together.

Does this sound like you? Are you in reality a big city monk or nun?

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Have you found the “one and only” one for you?
by Tim Ray

Recently one of my friends asked me if I wasn’t dreaming of finding the “one and only” one for me – someone who really understands me, someone I really feel closely connected to, someone I can share my life and my dreams with. And I answered well I’ve already found the “one and only” one for me… in two ways…

First of all, I said to my friend, I’ve discovered that the “one and only” one for me is me, myself. I’m the person I’m with 24 hours a day, every day, seven days a week. I’m the person I go to bed with every evening and wake up with every morning. I’m the person who understands me better than anyone else in the whole world. I’m the person I feel more closely connected to than anyone else. And I’m the one I always share my life and my dreams with – whether or not I notice it.

And second of all, I continued, I’ve also discovered that the “one and only” one for me is the person I am with in every moment. For example, I said to my friend, right now you’re the “one and only” one in my life. There is only you and me together right now – nothing else. And five minutes ago when I gave our order to the waiter, she was the “one and only” one in my life. And yesterday when I was playing with my 2-year-old nephew and looking in his eyes, well, he was the “one and only” one in my life. There was just him and me. And a few days ago when I was running around with my brother’s dog Tolle, well Tolle was the “one and only” one in my life. And a year ago when I was walking on the beach with my ex-girlfriend, she was the “one and only” one in my life then. And the person I’m going to give my attention to in the next moment will also be the “one and only” one in my life.

What about you? Have you found the “one and only” one for you? Or are you still looking?

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Stay away from women in their 30s
by Tim Ray

Why? Because women in their 30s are the worst! Why do I say that? Because when a woman is in her 30s, she believes (utterly and completely) that the good life, the perfect life, the sweet life is just around the corner if she just works hard enough and is good enough. And she believes utterly and completely that if she just works hard enough she will soon have this perfect life (the one the glossy women’s magazines are shoving down our throats and telling us is the royal road to eternal happiness) with the perfect man, the perfect relationship, the perfect kids, the perfect family, a great sex life, a beautiful, sexy body, a great career, a good job, a beautiful home with perfect designer furniture, quality weekends, picture-perfect holidays, and a superb lifestyle with more and more and more quality.

It’s simply so exhausting to be around a woman in her 30s that it makes me want to puke (and believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in their 30s). So now every time I meet a woman in her 30s, I look for the nearest exit. Because I know having a relationship with a woman in her 30s means big-time stress!

Now I stick to women in their 20s or 40s or older. Because even if women in their 20s still believe the dream that if you just work hard enough, one day you will achieve all these things and be happy – at least most women in their 20s also have the attitude “But not just yet. I still want a few years of fun before I sign up for the feminine version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.” (Even though I have in truth also met women who already in their late 20s were infected with this deadly form of insanity).

And then there are women over 40 – thank God! They are usually even more fun than women in their 20s because women over 40 as a rule, no longer have such illusions. Women in their 40s or older have worked themselves to the bone day and night to live up to the dream that says if they just manage to achieve this or that they’ll be happy – and now they’re over 40 and guess what – it didn’t happen. The bubble burst! Either they didn’t achieve the things they thought would make them happy – a man, children, family, job, career, beautiful home, designer furniture, friends, picture-perfect holidays and so forth (and are now simply worn out, unhappy and stressed from working so hard for so many years) or they achieved all the things they believed were necessary to be happy – and have to admit that they’re still not happy. And they’re also starting to realize that the game’s over, the race is run and that despite their dedicated efforts they are not getting any younger or more beautiful or healthier or stronger. The reality is their kids just keep on growing and their husbands and boyfriends aren’t getting any smarter, and getting the latest, hottest new stuff just doesn’t seem to make anything better anymore. So they begin to realize that if they don’t start living life now and having some fun now, they’re never going to live life and have fun. So they begin to drop their cherished female version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome and start focusing a little more on relaxing, breathing, and enjoying life. Which of course is why it’s so much fun to be with women who are over 40! Unless of course they are still stubbornly stuck in the glossy magazine dreams (and I have to admit I have met a few pitiful examples of women who were still fighting the losing battle to keep the old dream alive), but whenever I met one of these I think, why worry – sooner or later they’ll collapse and give up.

So that’s why I say, stay away from women in their 30s. And if you are a woman in your 30s, if you want to survive your 30s and stay sane – it might be a good idea to stop trying to live up to society’s idea of a woman in her 30s!

Stay away from women in their 30s - Part 2
by Tim Ray

After reading Part 1, some of you might now be thinking – is this just one 35-year-old man venting his spleen at his ex-girlfriends and women in their 30s in general? But hand on my heart, it’s not. The truth is I think that women in their 30s are the most beautiful and wonderful creatures. My words are in fact an attempt to cast some light on something much deeper and more fundamental:

* We live in a society where we (both women and men) are bombarded and brainwashed (from the moment we are born and for the rest of our lives) to accept the most insane beliefs about what it takes to feel OK,  live a happy life and be loved.

* The really stressful consequences of these insane beliefs often seem to reach their climax in women in their 30s (and also in men in their 30s - including me!). There can be many reasons for this – not least the fact that a woman in her 30s today is expected (or expects herself) to be able to do all of the following at the same time – be a new mother, wife/girlfriend, sexy lover, look terrific, bake homemade cookies for the kids’ kindergarten, have a successful career, live in a beautiful home with designer furniture, be a good friend and generally just be what I call the feminine version of the Foreign Legion-Navy Seals-Iron-Man-Master-of-the-Universe syndrome.

* The stressful consequences of these insane expectations are often followed by different degrees of:

- Serious crisis or breakdown (typically around the age of 37-38 according to reliable sources). They just can’t take it anymore.

- Disillusionment (usually for the next 5-10 years). For many years now I have been giving lectures and workshops and doing private sessions both in Denmark and abroad about how we can live better and more happy lives. In the beginning I used to wonder why most of the people attending were women in the ages 35-50 and why almost no men attend. And also why there was almost never anyone in their 20s or over 60, but now I am starting to understand why.

- Waking up (if it hurts enough!)

So my words are not in any way an attack on women in their 30s – on the contrary, my words are really a cry for help for all of us. Let us do something about our collective insanity before not just women in their 30s, but everyone (all of humanity) and the whole of Planet Earth starts to have the Biggest Nervous Breakdown Ever – which actually seems to be happening already…

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Men are the most oppressed sex
by Tim Ray

People today talk a lot about the fact that women are the most oppressed sex. And when it comes to outer things – like politics, the workplace, finances, religion, childcare and much more – this does definitely seem to be the case. But what about when it comes to our inner lives? What about when it’s about our thoughts and feelings, our hearts and our souls? Who then is the most oppressed sex – women or men?

I recently had an interesting experience with the men on my football team. During a practice game, one of the players – one of the team’s toughest and most masculine guys – suddenly stopped playing, turned pale and clutched his chest and ran down to the locker room while we all watched. To my great surprise, the other players just started playing again but I ran after him to see what was going on. The guy was stretched out on the floor, looking very frightened. When I asked him what was going on, he said he was having an anxiety attack – something that apparently happened to him now and again. After I’d sat with him for a while and talked to him a bit and tried to get him to breathe deeply – I went back to the other guys. I asked them if this had happened before (I was the new man on the team) and they said, “oh yeah, he sometimes has heart palpitations”. But none of them would really look me in the eye or talk about it. It was obvious that they thought it was embarrassing – not for them but for him! Because anxiety attacks (as the big man himself had just said) are something only little old ladies have!

This and many other similar experiences with the men in my life has made me realize that even if women are the most oppressed sex in the outer world, men are definitely the most oppressed sex when it comes to our inner lives. In fact, even in our so-called progressive society today it is more or less totally taboo for a man to have an inner life, for a man to have feelings – and God forbid – for a man to feel bad! And maybe most dangerous of all – for a man to talk to other men about it! We men have grown up with the most insane beliefs about what it means to be a “real” man. For example:

A real man doesn’t cry.

A real man doesn’t show his feelings.

It is a sign of failure if a real man feels bad.

A real man should be big and strong.

A real man shouldn’t be weak and vulnerable.

It’s a man’s job to take care of the woman.

And on and on in an endless inner man’s hell.

It’s clear that we men ourselves – as in the case of my football friends above – bear much of the responsibility for what’s going on. But I have also observed that YOU WOMEN really and truly don’t make it easy for us men either. Think about it dear women. When you’re a man, almost everywhere you look you hear that women want men with broad shoulders, well-developed arms, that rugged he-man look and those masculine moves – someone who can take care of you and make you feel safe. You women don’t want a man who sits and cries and feels bad. Yes, I know that many of you will now protest and say it’s not true – we do want a sensitive man, a man with an inner life. But when I talk about a real man, a sensitive man with an inner life, I don’t mean a man who can offer you 12 hours of non-stop romantic tantra sex by candlelight after he has mindfully done the dishes and read Eckhart Tolle goodnight stories for the kids. No I’m talking about a real man and the way he also really feels inside – like a scared little boy who is just like you scared little girls who are trying to find out what this thing called life is all about. A man who feels insecure and often doesn’t know what to do or how to live life. A man who feels pressure from all sides, and from inside too. A man who has to fight years of indoctrination about what it means to be a man. A man who might just feel like giving up and dropping out. A man who might just sit and cry for hours if he was really allowed to – and if he allowed himself to. And maybe cry again the next day. And the next week. And the next year. For that’s how we men really feel inside sometimes, underneath all our tough disguises. We feel just like you do dear women. Is this the kind of man you really want dear women when you say you want a real man with an inner life? Do you really dare? Can you embrace and contain all this? Can you embrace and contain yourselves?

This is why I say that men are definitely the most oppressed sex. I really think it’s time for a men’s revolution. Anyone want to join me?

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Congratulations on your breakdown!
by Tim Ray

Some months ago, one of my good friends told me shamefully that she had had a breakdown. She was simply feeling so bad that she was more or less unable to function in the world as she had done previously. “Congratulations on your breakdown!” I told her with a big smile and gave her a big hug. “I’m so happy for you!”

She looked at me as if I’d gone mad. How could I say that? How could I say something like that when everyone else she talked to – family, friends and colleagues – saw her breakdown as a sign of failure and were all busy advising her to go to a doctor or a psychiatrist and get some pills so she could get back on track as quickly as possible and be her usual old, well-functioning self again.

So how could I congratulate her on something everyone else considered a failure? – my friend wanted to know.

I answered her like this: “If the society we live in today is completely insane, if the beliefs we are being fed day and night and which we believe in ourselves are insane and driving us crazy… then who is the healthiest person? The person who adjusts to our society and these insane collective beliefs… or the  person who no longer can function in this society and live with our collective beliefs – and who finally breaks down from the massive stress and pain all this causes?”

When I said this to my friend, it was as if a huge weight literally fell from her heart. “Do you mean that my breakdown is actually a sign of health? That it’s not me there’s something wrong with but our whole collective belief system?”

“Yes,” I said and gave her another big hug. Since then my friend has gone into her “breakdown” with all her heart and soul and is courageously investigating all the many stressful thought and beliefs and stories that she believed her whole life and which have caused her so much pain and which finally led to her breakdown. And I can tell you that even though it has at times been an extremely difficult and painful process – she’s never been better than she is now. And I’m convinced that she will never, ever get back on track and be her old, crazy self again!

So think about it if you or someone you know is about to break down or has had a breakdown. Your breakdown is a completely healthy reaction to an insane world with its insane ways of thinking. So congratulate yourself or your friend. Your breakdown is a sign that you are about to wake up from the collective madness. You are waking up to reality! Hallelujah!

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We live in an ADHD world
by Tim Ray

There’s a lot of talk today about the fact that more and more children are suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). That more and more kids are hyperactive, have difficulty concentrating, are restless, have mood swings and are easily distracted by outer stimuli. And there’s a lot of talk about the causes and why more and more kids today are becoming like this. But if we look a little more closely at the matter and at our society in general, it’s not difficult to se what the cause of these symptoms is…

We live in an ADHD world!

Think about it. Do you know any grown-up person who isn’t more or less hyperactive and who doesn’t have difficulty concentrating and who isn’t restless and doesn’t suffer mood swings and isn’t easily distracted by outer stimuli? And is it any wonder that the majority of adults today also suffer more or less from ADHD since we live in a society where there is a constant focus from morning to evening on more and more and MORE sensual input, experiences, activities, stimuli, and things? So that (God forbid!) no person should for so much as a single second (not to mention for a few minutes or a few hours) find themselves alone with themselves in the silence? Is it any surprise then that we grown-ups feel so bad? Is it any surprise that we grown-ups are all also suffering more or less from ADHD?

And since children always copy us grown-ups (not what we say but how we live) is it any wonder that more and more children are feeling bad today and suffering from what we call ADHD? It makes perfect sense since we ourselves are suffering from ADHD and living in an ADHD society…

So if you have a child or if you work with children who are suffering from ADHD and it’s bothering you – you can try this very effective exercise:

Make a list of how you wish your child or the children in your life should live and be. For example:
I want my child to be calm and peaceful.
I want my child to be present in the moment and pay attention to what is happening now.
I want a harmonious balance between activity and silence in my child’s life.
I want my child to be less affected by outer things.
I want my child to be able to be alone with him/herself.
I want my child to rest in him/herself.
I want my child to take other people into consideration.
… and so on…

And now turn the entire list around 180 degrees so it becomes…
I want ME to be calm and peaceful.
I want ME to be present in the moment and pay attention to what is happening now.
Etc…
and live it yourself.

Because you see the universe is so ingeniously designed that our surroundings always follow us. That means our children follow us. So if you yourself live a peaceful life and rest in yourself and are present in the moment and don’t get so affected by outer things, the children in your life will slowly and surely begin to copy you. They can’t do otherwise because the world around you is a mirror of you. This is great news! This means that the power is in you!

This means you don’t have to wait for the children in your life to calm down for you to be calm. It’s the other way around – the children in your life are waiting for you. The whole world is waiting for you.

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Do something good for the planet – don’t have kids
by Tim Ray

I am 35 and have no children – and I don’t have the faintest desire to have them. Not the slightest inclination – and I never had. I wondered about this for many years – and so did my family, friends, colleagues and just about everyone I met. How could it be that I never had the slightest desire to have kids?

Then one day the answer suddenly came to me:

“The reason I don’t want to have children is because I am heeding the call of Mother Earth who is saying don’t put more children into this world because the planet is over-populated and about to break down because of humanity’s massive materialism which has led to our catastrophic over-consumption, pollution, and the systematic destruction of the planet’s ecosystems.”

So yes! It suddenly all became clear to me. It’s so obvious when you see it. A hundred years ago there were far less people on Earth – and maybe the planet needed many people to have children to ensure the continuation of the species and to make sure there were fresh hands to help on the farm. But that’s not so today. Today Mother Earth needs us to stop having kids and start taking care of the millions of needy children who already are here, and to stop our over-consumption and take better care of the planet.

So if you are one of those people who have no desire to have kids, just think about it… It could be that not having kids is the very best thing you can do for the planet!

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